Tldr at the bottom.
No real names, sorry. I (28M) am a department lead at my job, Jane (25F) is also in a similar position in another department. John (~23M) is in my department working under me. I am his direct supervisor. I am on good terms with John.
A few weeks ago, Jane has been reaching out to me for casual conversation unprompted and will come get me for any work related cross department needs no matter how minor. I can clearly tell she is interested in me as nobody is that persistent with casual conversation or finding ways to interact if they weren’t. She has told me I am her favorite person to work with even though I barely know her.
Jane is cute and also hilarious, I wouldn’t mind dating her and have considered it if we end up being a good match. So far so good anyway.
Bring in my coworker John. John is an interesting character. Funny guy, good heart, openly a furry, Bisexual leans gay, and rascal like personality. John also has depression and sees a therapist. He openly hates his job even to his own coworkers dissatisfaction. We don’t deal with the best of work, but it still gets old hearing it for everyone. John is also easily distracted to the point of causing issues with his work performance.
I like john, he stresses me out at times but I try to be patient as I know he lives a rough life. He will confide in me often about his issues. Most recently he had a episode to where he got so distracted his partner was doing all the work and the partner snapped at him. I had to talk to both of them, one about his yelling even if justified and John with his lack of focus.
My discussion with John turned out alright, he hates his job and wants to leave but appreciates me. The only reason he stays he tells me is because of his interest in Jane. He has apparently asked her out before and she said she would. Don’t think they have yet. They are friends to my knowledge.
Obviously, I don’t want to touch this problem with a 10 ft pole from a job perspective. I like Jane and I am damn well certain she likes me as well from how she interacts with me and I believe that will interfere with John’s life even if I do nothing. John is a good guy that is teetering on the edge of mental stability and I have no desire to not only break his trust in his mind by going to “steal his girl” after he told me about his desire for her, but also push him over the edge.
I don’t think she is giving up either. So what should I do?
Tldr: cowork likes me, I like her, other coworker I am in charge of likes her and has gotten a yes from her when asking her out but no date yet. Coworker has depression and ended up telling me about his desire for her recently. Doing nothing is not an option as she pursues me. He persues her. Me dating her would likely cause him to meltdown. What to do?
This is not complicated at all. Ask her out and let her choose. Have a polite, but not too close relationship to the guy who is basically your subordinate. If you think he might harm himself, take action, but other than that your not responsible for his wellbeing.
Also, it sounds to me that you are trying to be absolutely fair to this guy, not only in this thread but also at work, but not necessarily like him too much. I’m also pretty certain that she was just polite to him and didn’t want to upset him. Talk with your love interest, than you will know.
If I can’t/won’t see both sides of the coin, am I really a good leader? I wouldn’t think so.
“I’m also pretty certain that she was just polite to him and didn’t want to upset him.” That may be the case and it seems that way if she is still happy to talk to me as she does. I have been on both sides of this and it certainly sucks to be in the other position. I am trying to handle this delicately if I can. It doesn’t help that he is constantly trying to hang out with me.
It’s indeed important to be an understanding boss. And I’ve also been on both sides of this and agree with you that it sucks pretty much.
However: this guy is a bad worker with a bad attitude and clearly states that he has no interest in his job. He does bad enough work to upset his teammates. You’re his boss. Don’t hang out with him. Maybe a beer after work, but even that stretches it. You wanna be his friend and hang out with him outside of work? Then you both should not work directly with each other. There is a time and place for delicacy and sometimes not.
Sorry, I’m a bit harsh! But I had problems with a co-worker myself. And I suffered actually years from constant drama because I was polite and considerate and forgiving. And it would have saved me from so much frustration and stress if I kept my distance in the beginning or just plainly told him to fuck off.
You obviously need to close the love triangle: go date John.
John and you both have mutual interest in making yourselves “hard to get”. Dating each other would make Jane jealous and only increase her interest in you both.
It would be cruel to force Jane to chose between you too. If you navigate this carefully, she can have you both and you can both have her on top of each other. Everyone can be happy. /s
It is the only reasonable decision.
So John doesn’t like his job. He also seems to be not performing well. He is vocal about it to the point that it affects others. Are you, as his manager, addressing this issue?
Yes, I was actually addressing it before he told me about his desire for Jane. I try to be friendly and on good terms with all those under me, but I am not friends with them to avoid bias. He just tends to over share a lot.
From a business perspective, I am trying to ensure my team member is performing as best he can.
From a personal perspective, I am actively trying to not have this guy kill himself from pushing too hard. He can’t afford to be fired, he has made that well known. Before you ask, I don’t make pay decisions. He stays because he has to. I and my staff have tolerated some of the complaining, but I will talk to him when he starts going overboard. He is a good guy otherwise.
Do you do the proper business action or do you do the right thing? I am not heartless.
This is a horse to water thing. You don’t have control of the outcome, you can only provide John the tools to keep his job. Most managers have a list of folks they tried their best with, but it didn’t work out. I look back on those folks with a great deal of sadness, but it’s about the team. If you told him how to benefit the team and he chooses not to that it’s on him.
That’s tough, and I hope you can manage it in such a way that it is not a huge detriment to the team. I hope you can also share this burden with your manager because that is a lot.
About the dating situation, I see a lot of downside (potential for messy drama, meltdown of an already vulnerable direct report, HR issues if things go wrong) and just a little upside. I’d keep it professional, and if you like her enough, I’d wait until one of you leaves for another job, and then get her number to keep in touch.
He may move to another shift at another building if he gets a new position he has applied for, so it may resolve itself. Although I can’t be sure of any of that.
I’d seriously ask myself if he actually asked her out and she said yes, or if he’s basically trying to preemptively stop anything between you two when he noticed she likes you and guilt tripping you.
Dating coworkers is a mess even without the whole situation though. Confiding your love affairs to your boss is such a red flag though. No one does that.
Confiding your love affairs to your boss is such a red flag though. No one does that.
Disagree. One can have a “boss”, or one can have a “manager.” My entire career I’ve tried to get to know the people around me, my manager, my director, my peers, other random people - everyone I can. I spend a LOT of time with these people, and everything being “professional” 24/7 is draining. We’re all real people, with real lives, real interests, hobbies, etc. - and the happiest I’ve ever been while working is when I was surrounded by people I wouldn’t hesitate to call “friends”, and that includes discussion personal issues often - maybe not quite as much as I would with say, a friend from high school, but close.
Related - I married a ‘girl from work’ many years ago, and the person who was both our manager when we got together, and still my manager when we had the wedding, was one of my groomsmen. I did not know this man before starting that job, but spending more time with him and interacting with him more than my ‘high school friends’, by a LOT, over those four YEARS, meant we easily became at least 80% as close as I was with any of my outside-of-work friends.
Edit: And I actually just remembered, said manager met his wife at work too! They are still happily married unlike my ex and I (who are happily divorced and have the best/healthiest relationship that we’ve ever had now.)
I agree to some extent. I might be more reserved, I just can’t imagine telling anyone I work with I have a crush on a fellow coworker.
I still like joking around with them and I do have more of a manager than a boss as well. I get what you mean.
To be fair I am talking about like, 2000-2010 here lol.
Though I remember having a social outing just a couple years ago at my current job, and I remember my team mate and I’d say pretty good friend (who again, only met through work, but we clicked and connected) telling me after that he was really into this one girl that was there, and then a week or so later updating me that he’d asked her out but she wasn’t interested and he was (obviously) leaving it at that … and he’s quite young, I’d say mid-20s.
I do probably give off the “feel free to talk to me about casual and personal stuff” vibe though as I 100% loathe and reject the whole ‘corporate culture’ bs, and I currently work at the stuffiest most uptight place I’ve EVER worked at, lol.
Also tech industry, so I think we’re generally a lot more casual? No idea! :-)
That is a noteworthy thought. He doesn’t cross me as him knowing or catching her interest when we have all interacted with each other at the same time. Generally when people notice that, they start getting defensive and get somewhat possessive. He was just really happy to share the info like he was gossiping with a good friend.
Well I try to stay away from any work relations personally. It sounds like he’s innocent about it more than anything. People usually don’t share that info specifically because of situations like this. I think it’s fine to go for it if you properly like her. I’d ask her to keep it out of work and keep it as a kind of secret relationship at least for the beginning, but he’ll hate you even more for it when he does find out.
It kind of sounds like he’s got puppy dog love going on. I only know a bit about the situation but I feel like she isn’t going to jump in his arms the moment you back off or something. I definitely wouldn’t feel bad about it.
There’s other things to think about. Are you technically her boss too? That might affect the office gossip.
I am not her boss, we are at a similar level in different departments. I don’t have to interact with her at all if I didn’t want to. If I did date her, the odds of it coming out to him are high. It would just be a matter of when. He would likely notice that she didn’t follow through on their date plans.
I would definitely wait to see how their date goes I guess. Tough situation, good luck!
Question is, will there actually be one? I do not know.
Complicated.
Is Jane your peer or beneath you in your corporate structure? What level is John compared to Jane and yourself? What are your corporate policies regarding in office partnerships/romance?
Jane is at an equal level as me corporate wise. John is a position below me and technically her although they don’t translate the same way for her department.
Office policies on dating are more relaxed. People from the same departments can and have dated each other with no issues although they generally don’t share it. It is usually an open secret.
Cross department doesn’t seem to be an issue whatsoever.
How realistic is it for you to be able to talk to Jane about it all? Maybe you could get a clearer picture about her (perhaps, lack of) feelings toward John.
Feels kinda silly for him to stay at a job he hates just for someone he hasn’t been on a date with yet…sounds like could be an infatuation situation but im not sure…
definitely juicy though! sorry you’re in the middle of it
edt: phrasing. also, course its not as simple for John as “just leave the job and find another.” surely there are other factors to him staying on board
It is certainly interesting, I will give it that. I have not made it known to Jane of my interest other than having our conversations. I am usually slightly flirty when I talk and I am sure she can see that… As of the moment, I don’t think that would be an appropriate question for her unless I were to ask her out and she agreed to talking about it.
It is a decent thought though I may persue if we get closer.
Ahhh…Well, in that case, I think you should quietly ask her out. I personally don’t think its wrong of you to do that. I’d keep it on the down low, of course. Who knows, maybe one of you gives the other the ick and it turns out to be nothing more than two platonic coworkers hanging out outside of work (I know, unlikely). If it does develop further romantically, at least you’re now out of the love triangle and into a secret romance…which im kinda inclined to think that is better than a perpetually unresolved love triangle. But yeah, its tough. Wishing you good luck!
I know he lives a rough life.
*ruff life, ftfy, no further comment
You know what my therapist would tell me in this situation? You’re no hero. It’s not your job to save John.
Its not my job to save John, doesn’t mean I won’t feel bad regardless. I do care even if I try not to.
I’m not saying you should be a jerk to him. Just don’t let his dreams drive yours. You can be honorable and also pursue your desires.
Edit: side note… For all you know, John told you about his romantic interests because he was jealous of how Jane was acting towards you.
There will be other Jane’s that don’t work where you work.
I’ve done the workplace romance thing several times. Realistically as an adult this is where you are most likely to meet someone, so IMO if you approached with a little bit of caution/maturity and think Jane could do the same I would proceed and just keep it quiet.
Keeping it quiet is my thought as well, I just don’t know how well it would go as he talks to her a lot and they seem to be friends. He has asked her out and she said yes previously. I think he might notice if she changed her mind.
I would let Jane handle her relationship with him, you just do you
Threesome!
Joking, obviously. Seriously though, on paper, I’d discuss it with her openly and honestly, say I’m interested, but it might be better if we wait until John moves on, either to a new job, or a new girl. In reality, I’d probably just do nothing, not having the courage to talk to Jane about it.
She doesn’t know that I know he asked her out, I would imagine. Would be kind of awkward to bring up as I haven’t even asked her out yet. lol
“Threesome!” Ah yes, the true answer that I was looking for. I should have seen it from the beginning. Haha
I really don’t see why this isn’t the genuinely obvious beginnings of a polyamorous relationship. It’s not the easiest thing but plenty of people do it.
Well all the pieces are there. However, for me at least, I don’t like sharing. Lol
She doesn’t know that I know he asked her out, I would imagine. Would be kind of awkward to bring up as I haven’t even asked her out yet. lol
Oooohhhh, yeah… that throws a wrench in to it. I will ponder and reply again if anything magical comes to mind (highly unlikely!)
Good luck!
The smart move is: don’t get your honey where you make your money.
Jane is not interested in an intimate relationship with you. She is being a polite and considerate coworker looking for support from a friendly face. Help her without turning it into more than super and teamwork, and it will eventually just turn into a deeper relationship if she really is into you. If not, then it was never going to anyway.
John is your subordinate. He is reaching out to you with trust for support in this time, but he ultimately cannot get the support he needs in his romantic/personal life from work. If the only thing keeping him there is her then he should leave, and you should support him there. Either make it a place he wants to work at outside of his (AND YOUR) romantic interests or use your professional resources to find him something that is a better fit.
You need to be very careful with both these dynamics.
What would you rather have here: someone looking to build interdepartment trust and friendship and a subordinate who wants to be at work, or a subordinate who feels like you don’t care about him and a coworker who feels like you think so highly of yourself that every girl who talks to you wants to date you?
There is no third option where you get the girl and fix the kid in the situation as you describe it.
No idea how to deal with this. Keep us updated and good luck
That makes two of us. lol
Don’t date a coworker, it’ll be really awkward if it goes poorly.
What are their respective stances on the Iran conflict? Do they have a favorite Gulf monarchy?
Definitely a tough situation. I hope things work out well for all of you. I’m also extremely curious about what animal John has for his fursona.
FWIW, I’m not too worried about John’s dating life. The furry community is pretty strong and cross-functional, and there’s a ton of hobby overlap with furries and other hobbies and sports. Especially if he’s bi, there will be others that he will meet, and he’s young. Hopefully his depression gets better.
It is a Sergal and a Protogen. The fact I know without any hesitation for thought is bizarre. lol He is not a bad looking guy, so I am sure he would be fine. Doesn’t make the emotional pain sting any less though.
