Sometimes the only reward for digging the biggest hole is a bigger shovel

I’m currently the “subject matter expert” on a nightmare project by having been exposed to it the most without going mad.

Protips:

• walk everywhere fast. About as fast as if you don’t get to the toilet immediately, there will be a serious accident
• when someone asks ‘How are you?’ or how you’re going, the first words out of your mouth are “Busy” or “Flat out!”. Adding anything after that is optional.
• Bonus points for always being the one to initiate the break off in a conversation. Look at watch, “Well, I gotta run, XYZ is due…”
• The immaculate hat-trick is combining all three without breaking stride as you blast last someone

I tried this one time., to actually be a great employee. This was well into my senior programmer status, got hired at at a new gig, and I liked the place. So they had a massive chunk of work. I busted my ass for 3 months to get it done in time, nights, weekends, you name it.

We got it done, zero bugs too, was honestly impressed.

A month later they asked me why my velocity had dropped. Well, because I pushed hard for that, but this is normal times, I’m well within my fellow engineers ranges right? Well sure, but you’re about 20% lower on our charts. Was told I would need to get that back up if I wanted to be eligible for raises or promotions. My 6 month review came up and that was forefront. I “showed promise” early on but I had been lacking lately. They mentioned my huge project as a footnote.

Seriously kids, don’t try. Business will formulate everything you do into graphs, and they only care if line goes up. Stay in line with your coworkers, and nudge the line up only noticeably through the years. They want to play stupid games, give them stupid prizes.

The secret is to under promise and under deliver. You just need to be better than the worst guy.