keys on a ring I between your fingers

If you think this works, try it on a bag and report back.

Steel water bottle with one end narrowed to be a convenient handle –

A fat water bottle can’t be gripped. Bad handle = bad weapon –

To state the obvious, it’s not a worker doing that. It’s Universal Studios.

I’ve heard the response of “just stop watching the news” or “don’t pay attention”, but that’s basically impossible.

It is not only possible, it’s simple.