TouchMacaque

William S Buttholes is my favourite author because the S stands for Shlong.

3 weeks ago I went camping while jacking off and I came across my family doctor’s grandma staring at a pile of leaves. As I got closer I noticed it wasn’t a pile of leaves at all but rather a man that I recognized from somewhere. I realized I had seen him while on a trip to the UK last year at an authentic British fish and chips place my wife and 6 uncles had lunch at. He was vinegar balls Edward, an old fisherman who comes to your table for you to squeeze malt vinegar out of his balls onto your fries for an authentic British experience.

So here he is on my camping jack just laying there dead, I did what any smart person would do and I pulled out my Swiss Army knife and hacked off his sack. 2 weeks later I went back to the UK and sold his scrotum and balls to that restaurant, they were about to go out of business without malt vinegar so they were extremely appreciative when I brought them the vinegar balls. The mayor of the town named a street after me and gave me six packs of smokes. I smoked them all that day despite being a non smoker because I needed to show that I was thankful for the gift.

In 3 months I’ll be going on another camping trip with my step grandpa, no jacking off allowed this time but maybe I’ll find a corpse that’ll haunt me forever. All it takes is 6 packs of smokes and a pocket full of belly buttons. That’s right, I’m totally a smoker now because smoking is the coolest fuckin thing anyone could ever do.

My origin story

All my dads told me about how I was conceived in a bowl of iced piss from a woman they only knew as “sugar cunt”. I guess she was diabetic and liked to donate eggs in the most peculiar way.

So now whenever I ask who my mom is they just tell me she’s a cummy bear.

My neighbor’s didgeridoo teacher hired a monkey gronker for his 9/11 party last year and everyone was pretty offended. Next year I think he’ll settle for live music instead.

One day there will be a cricket player named Godzilla’s Shlong and we’ll all say the same thing

This reminds me I need to learn how to play shuffleboard in case they make an animated/live action movie about shuffleboard competitions one day.

I’ve never heard of this trump fellow

Your mommy is so big that the big store called and said “no that’s too big”.

No, full of moose hair and elephant semen. What the hell kind of cereal are you eating?

I bet she’s got legs like a bowl of cereal

One day the all mighty AI will turn him into the most delicious hamburger but no one will want to eat him because cannibalism hasn’t been cool in like 1700 years. What a waste of a life. If only his mother would have given him more Ovaltine as a child.

Cool picture but it reminds me I need to get my blowhole cleaned.

These people went on to develop a pornographic dragon quest parody game called knobster quest. It’s a game about a lobster made of dick skin who’s quest is to defeat the giant clam that holds the secret of the ocean(the secret is that the ocean is a big pool of cum in my dog walkers back yard). Great game but the fleshlight controller you need for it is pretty expensive and also useless if you have severe erectile dysfunction. I tried returning it but I guess you can’t return used fleshlights to Giant Tiger because they don’t sell them there. Oh well, there’s 377 bucks down the drain. Maybe I’ll get some boner pills so I can play their knobstronaut game when it comes out, I’ve heard you play as a normal human astronaut but your spacesuit is made entirely of foreskin.

People who send audio of themselves laughing are the same people who shove multivitamins in their urethra. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if they also eat fermented chocolate egg salad sandwiches on public transit too. Fuck those people.

Back home they used to call him the bitch with the boner sized tits but now that he’s head of the FBI he gets to call himself cash money. One day he’ll go back to his old name and everyone will know him for the little wanker he is.

I heard they’re making a George of the jungle reboot about him, I’d hoped his legacy would be forgotten, but alas here we are

My grandpa’s great grandma’s first boyfriend was one of the first bird pornographers to settle in North America. No one really liked his work all that much and eventually he was executed under some kind of bird law about obscenity. They had several thousand different kinds of birds flown in from all over the world to peck him apart without thinking about the consequences of introducing a bunch of invasive species and now all those goddamn starlings are fucking up my garden. Thanks George, you piece of shit bird pornographer, I’ll never be able to grow tomatoes because of you.

Cruelty free pee is pee that didn’t burn when it came out. It’s so cruel that God does this to me.

The only thing missing from this is the quest for a cruelty free pee, that seems to take up most of our lives these days.