Title. Well these days I’ve been feeling lonely, and I feel somewhere male friendships I have aren’t that strong. I’ll be honest, I don’t have many female friends either, but I’ve been particularly felt disappointed by my male peers, especially when it comes to talking emotionally. What are your experiences?
I have painstakingly picked a few guys from literally all the guys I’ve ever met, and these guys are the best. It’s been a lot of trial and error to get here, but it was well worth the effort.
I have stopped socializing.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve got more responsibilities which compete for my care and attention. With that said, I make time. What that looks like for me is I visit with one of my old friends quarterly-ish and then go fishing or hunting (depending on season) once every other week with a closer friend.
Then for sharing things on the emotional front, in my experience that may come as a natural consequence of sharing other things going on in your life and asking about another’s own experiences.
I had a large group of friends (50+ people), then I was laid off due to AI and other stuff, and I changed from one specific hobby to another. I lost them all in a few months.
I’m old enough to understand that it is my karma to go from group to another. I made new “friends” with sports and music, but I now accept that I must now rely on myself only, and friends are fleeting.
My father is an asshole, friends are temporary, I am now trying to be my best friend because everything else is unreliable.
My closest, only and true friend is a friend of 25 years.
We live in different countries today, don’t speak everyday, but any opportunity we have to talk it seems like nothing has changed and we’re still the same two goof balls we were back then.
Just added with a strong dad vibe. And jokes.
I had a close friend too, but it feels like we’re drifting apart . Both Ideologically and socially. And again, he’s not the guy I feel comfortable being emotionally vulnerable to. I don’t think there’s any friend who I’m genuinely comfortable being emotionally vulnerable to. And I don’t know where to find such friends anymore. I’ve become a working man(started interning, still a fresher), I feel like my days of finding close friends are over.
To maintain a friendship at least one has to occasionally reach out. Ideally both.
Be the one if you must.
No, I don’t have a handful of friends but “drifting apart” is easy.
You have a job now, so does he, maybe you have a partner and so does he, maybe one of you will have a kid soon, or both, you have bills to pay and other hobbies, you like to go out, and guess what? So does he.
It’s easy to keep delaying because you don’t have time. Make time. It does not have to be a lot of time. He’s busy, just like you, but if he wants to maintain the friendship, he’ll answer the call when he can make time too.But honestly, its kinda complicated. Like I want to give an anecdotal evidence. Just a few days ago, we were talking, and there was another friend of mine talking to a girl, and he was obviously trying on her. Then we talked for sometime, and he asked her, what do you do for living.
She said she’s in grade 8.
And honestly all of us were perplexed cause we thought she was an adult. Now what I felt was the right thing to do would have been terminate convo, or just have a casual conversation and never mention it again. Instead, the second the girl stepped away, both of them started discussing how she’s bluffing and stuff, and they were so loud and unsubtle about it, she was standing 10 feet away and could hear it.
I saw 3 options in front of me of what could have happened
- She’s actually a minor
- She’s lying cause she wasn’t interested in the other friend
- Some stupid games
Neither of the 3 cases invite a conversation in my opinion. And come on have some manners, she’s standing 10 feet away from you, that’s such an awkward spot to put someone under if it was one of the first two things. I even told him this, he shrugged it away, saying she was just playing games.
And honestly it’s kinda become a pattern. I’ve become more opinionated on several topics, those are the convos I just cannot have with most people around me.
I have few friends already because I am a socially awkward guy, and I have no Idea what to do when I’m faced with situations like these.
Well, my comment was to encourage you to maintain friendships you want to maintain. If you don’t want to maintain the ones you currently have, for whatever reason, you are in the right to not do it.
I don’t have suggestions on how to make new friends unfortunately. I’ve often seen suggested to join new hobbies or volunteer for that. Maybe try that 🙂
Yep. I have a few really old friends elsewhere in the world that I’m no longer in regular touch with that were having a great time when we meet. Then I have my homies around the city that I’ve known for twenty odd years that we have a group chat with almost daily messages and I meet at least one about once a month. Finally I have the local dog people that have become friends over the last years that we happen upon outside, and some go on dog walks and I’m invited to their events and parties.
All these circles are both men and women, curiously progressively younger than me the more new friends and acquaintances I make. I feel that I can ask people in any of these circles if I need help or talk about something, selectively depending on the need but still.
I’m really an introverted dude with a need for private time so this is quite sufficient for my social needs and with my dog by my side I very rarely feel lonely.
No. Not enough, not close, deep, or consistent enough.
No. Mainly for these reasons.
I tried more when I was younger. At some point I couldn’t be bothered with those kind of things anymore.
Maybe it’s just me or the places I’ve been, but men are value superficially. Most guys I’ve thought were friends were shallow or based on value extractions.
There was one man only who didn’t care about tangible values. Whether that be monetary, social capital, or what have you. We drifted apart over the years and lost contact all together. Might be the only true friend I’ve ever had.
It seems from my experience the gateway to most male friendship is animalistic headbutting. I’m not about that. Maybe I tired of that too soon before my age group moved on from that phase. I don’t know.
I’ve moved too many times, and now I’m in that difficult age where I have teenage children, and all my peers are too focused on their careers. It’s lonely, but I have four (or more) hobbies that im really passionate about, so I’m weathering it well enough… And I have my own career, but I work remote.
If any of you find yourselves in San Diego, California, and you want to get coffee/tacos/beer/whatever, send me a message.
Yes, my best friend and I have been friends for 35 years, even though he lives 1000 miles away. I’m close with one of my male cousins and we talk regularly. My wife and I also just hung out with another longtime male friend and his wife and just spent the night bullshitting. Also making new friends, including men, at the living history museum I’m on the board of.
I’m not always sure why these folks want to hang out with me, but I’m glad to have them in my life.
No, I’m down to like 2 male friends at this point. All the others have gone off and had children and don’t really make the time for friendship. Of those 2, both of them want kids so I’m sure I’ll lose them too.
I’m glad I still have all my girls, they’re all child free, so are fun and we hangout pretty often, but yeah, long gone are the days of hanging out with the boys.
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You need to turn off the machine in your belt that turns men conservative!
I’m not a conservative and I’m RIGHT HERE IN YOUR CLOSET.
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Hell yeah, I love my homies. Most of my friends I met through conventions, which is a pretty easy way to meet people. We game sometimes, we’ve worked on cosplay, had wild parties, and we talk and hang out sometimes. A bunch aren’t local but I’ve also got a lot of guys who I hang out with locally.
You just gotta find the right people and don’t hang out with the people who you don’t vibe with. Throw a party for the people you do like and they can invite people that are cool they like.
Yes, but it took time to get there. Two things shifted: I opened up and I lowered the bar to be called “friend”.
Opening up: geek out. Find the people that share your interests. I know, it’s hard to do. But if you can find some people with a common thread, you’ll likely find people with a few common threads and several tangential threads. Obviously, it’s hard to find people, but chances are if you find one, they’ll bring you more similar-minded people. Secondly obviously, you have to throttle yourself to not overdo the geeking until you know it’s someone that has similar levels of interest. Most people geek out about something, but your local societal norms tend to direct you on what’s normal. Watching every sports game of a particular team, knowing their stats? Geek. Cars? Geek. Guns? American Geek. Weight lifting min/maxing? Geekmaxing. These are just the normal masculine hobbies. Weather, space, physics, electronics, gardening, cooking, reading, so many other things to geek about. Try going to events that are part of or are tangential to your interests. Even if you dont grab anyone’s contact info, enjoy vibing with your kind. Depending on the gig, you might even start seeing the same people.
Lowering the bar: I spent souch time feeling like I had no real friends. I had work friends. I lost school friends. I left home city friends. I lost prior work friends. Then I threw a big party and invited people from across my life. They showed up (mostly) and it literally felt like I was just catching up with old friends. The party itself wasn’t important (to this topic), but the realization was. I always heard this notion of “fair-weathered friends” and “friends of proximity” and thought it applied to all of mine. Now I know: they’re all friends of proximity because everyone is. Even your own family. If you lose the proximity, the friendship fades if you don’t make the time for them. But it doesn’t mean it’s gone. It doesn’t mean it needs a formal restart. I have summer friends, winter friends, work friends, concert friends, and so on. No, they’re not all deep friendships, but they’re people I can message on mutual topics and get together for mutual interests. But, among the ~30 people I can think of off the top of my head, there’s maybe 5 I can talk about anything to. Doesn’t mean I do. But they’re people that i can spontaneously have deep conversations with.
Opening up can be as a simple as “I’m having a bad time with [blank]”. If you’re surrounded by masculinity, you might just get some dumb curt answers like “fix it” or “so don’t do it”. But you might find people with relevant experiences. I know I have selection bias, but most of the people in my life now would lend an ear and try to help. Humans like solving problems.
Similarly, when I was younger, I had more female friends than male. I’m sure being horny was an underlying factor, but I have little interest in most male interests here. By 25, I felt like I had no one. By 35, I was surrounded by 20 men and 20 tangential women, all friends, all open emotionally, all with just a seemingly small amount of common interest. But all about the same vibe.
And yet I can go a week and only talk to my spouse. And I’m happy with that. My spouse is my best friend, but I’m in the orbit of all these other people to share hobbies and interests with, both with and without my spouse.
So im older and married. Marriage like it or not kinda is the end to the buddies phase. I saw it in my friends who married before me and in myself. Problem is there is only so much time and my wife and I don’t spend enough quality time together as it is. Its not just males she also does not meet with friends as often. Add to this people moving to other areas of the country or to other countries. Heck we don’t even have kids. You even see it somewhat with dating. Any guy in the group who gets a girlfriend is not seen as much as if they are they have the girlfriend in tow. Again not exclusively male thing. Females see it to. I firmly believe the stag party is a going away party ceremony.
