We met on a dating app and have had five dates so far. I like many of his qualities for example he’s been respectful and chivalrous: didn’t try anything physical on our first date, hasn’t been pushing for sex, only kissed on our previous dates, listened to my boundary of less tongue after inserting it immediately our first kiss, told me “you’re so beautiful”, paid for our recent dinner after we split the previous one, we’ve had great chemistry/banter, opens doors and pours water, asked me my favorite flower, already initiating dates for weeks from now. Conversation flows and I’m attracted to him, both physically and otherwise, but I’m conflicted about the physical intimacy recently escalating past our emotional/mental connection.
We went to his place for the first time on our fifth date and I suggested we cuddle which turned into more. He wanted to finger and go down on me at the same time right off the bat, whereas I’m more used to fingering on its own first to let things unfold gradually. He said it’s been a few years since his most recent relationship (LTR), so we agreed we’re both learning about each other. We continued kissing and all, but he repeatedly said he wants to be inside of me (not in a pressuring way, but I don’t know what to say to that) after I already explained I prefer easing into physical intimacy slowly and am more traditional.
After a while, I asked if he could say something dirty but was shocked when he said “you’re a little slut aren’t you” when trying to dirty talk. He didn’t apologize but admitted he’s not good at it. I don’t like the word ‘slut’, but I didn’t want to make things more awkward after we just had a discussion about my preferences for going slow with fingering first before more happens. He said he will do so when the moment comes up again, which I thought meant another day, but he soon initiated fingering and our chemistry is so strong I let him go down on me right after that. He also started asking me sex-related questions like how kinky I am, what’s a no-go in the bedroom, and said he used to have a sex swing.
He also promised to share all of the photos of us from his phone but only sent one at first until I followed up and has complained about or judged each of my date ideas in some way or another - the food, declined my venue idea (my favorite spot) since he’s been there a few times already, and an accessory I just excitedly bought. I noticed he didn’t ask about my parents whereas I was trying to get to know him on a deeper level during our date, but we did touch on it during our first date (surface level though).
Please help me out, everyone. I would really appreciate any help or advice! Are there any red flags or is he just a more sexual guy who’s genuinely attracted to me with good intentions? Does he seem to be in it for casual or short-term versus a long-term relationship? Am I overthinking any of this? Instead of asking to take a break, should I scale back and explain to him I’m busy (which I am) on our next date, or wait until he asks me to come over again before opening that topic? Should I bring up the ‘slut’ term in person on our next date or wait until we’re intimate like that again and first see if he says it again before speaking up?
If he is pressuring you to do more than you are comfortable with, he’s no good.
That being said, it also sounds like you have a very specific plan on how everything needs to happen, and I suspect you haven’t actually told anyone what that plan is. One theme I keep seeing in the story is that you’ve corrected him at every step of this relationship and it sounds like you’re frustrated that he isn’t sticking to the script that you’ve written in your head.
Assuming he isn’t just trying to get in your pants, cut him some slack, and see how your story plays out instead of comparing it to your expectations.
Bullshit, one party or any relationship has to make the first move. It basically never occurs simultaneously. And that’s pressure. It’s not a crime, in and of itself.
If he’s wanting something, AND you’ve expressed disinterest, and he continues in an agessive manner, by which he fails to respect your EXPRESSED boundry, then he’s probably too aggressive to have a healthy relationship with AT THIS TIME.
People are actually capable of changing with time. And they do tend to mellow out as they age.
That’s not to say that any one person should set a date 10 years in the future to reattempt a relationship with somebody they met who was too aggressive. But sometimes people exist in the same social spheres, and it’s important not to brand people as one specific thing for eternity. For example, one of the OPs friends might meet up with this guy 5 years from now and manage to easily develop a healthy a satisfying relationship with him.
I’m all about second chances, but your comment kind of gives me the creeps. It’s suspiciously defensive.
Speaking of the script, it would be a good idea to talk about it. If you know what the plan is, it won’t come as a surprise later. If you tell the other person about what your goal is, they could agree to go with it or nope out immediately. It saves so much time and tears.