No ‘they went to go live on a farm’ BS. How do you actually tell them without lying?
When I was little, perhaps 5 at the most, a family pet died.
My parents told me it died matter-of-factly.
That’s what you do.
Okay. That’s good to hear from someone who’s been through it
You tell them, gently, directly and as a matter of fact. Then you pick up the pieces.
It’s an uncomfortable, sweaty-palm conversation that needs to happen. Sugarcoating it isn’t going to help in the long run.
When I was a kid I had two cats. One of them, the older cat, got run over by a car one day. My parents told me about it that night. I was like 8 years old and it absolutely devastated me, but knowing what happened allowed me to grieve properly and let all of my feelings out.
My other cat just disappeared one day, and although I suspect that she also died in a similar manner, not knowing the truth always gave me hope that one day she would show back up on my doorstep meowing to be let inside.
My point is that if you try to obfuscate the subject, the risk is that your kid won’t properly understand what happened until much later in life and all the unprocessed emotions can cause trauma. Bluntness might seem cruel in the moment, but you have to do it. Ask for their full attention, sit them down, and tell them what happened, and offer comfort in whatever way you can. The news will hurt them, and they will possibly lash out at you, but eventually they will recover from it and go back to feeling normal again.
Good luck, OP.
You tell them. You explain it. And you focus on the joy of the dog’s life, while acknowledging the grief because the dog is gone.
Our dog died badly and the kids witnessed it. It was sudden. The dog’s lungs filled with fluid.
The kids still talk about that day sometimes.
We had to resuscitate the dog enroute to the vet.
That was a hard day.
The “best” way is to prep them before it happens and explain what’s coming
Get them to watch Lion King with the circle of life song
It think it’s important to plant this seed early, I would always joke about how the dogs are here “for a good time not for a long time” when my kids were growing up, it also encouraged them to live in the moment with our pets. Speak openly about the dog aging like you might to an adult peer, that way your child learns these scary thoughts are safe to have and you share them too so they can come to you for comfort. Obviously this is age appropriate advice little kids don’t need that last part.
Had to go trough this with our 3yr old 2 years ago. dog got an untreatable cancer diagnosis. We bought a daniel tiger book about his fish dying and read it to her quite a few times. We also kept mentioning that the dog was sick. A couple of months later the dog had to be put to sleep, we did this during her naptime and told her beforehand that she was going to die like the fish in the book.
My daughter was sad after, but not devastated (I was) and to this day she will out of nowhere say that she misses our dog Bailey
You win a gold medal
we did this during her naptime and told her beforehand that she was going to die like the fish in the book.
You told her the dog is going to die, right??
We left it ambiguous, gotta keep them littles on their toes
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Thanks. It’s never easy losing our furry friends. They give their everything to us while they are in our lives. Only fair we give everything when they go.
How old is the kid? I still wouldn’t know without more information, but theres a massive difference between a 4yo and a 10yo
Relevent clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiH3tZoNgmE
I was told our dog had gone to live on a farm. For a long time afterwards I pestered to be allowed to visit the dog on said farm, and was told it would be too upsetting for him. “He wouldn’t understand.”
Years later I found out the dog had run away, gotten into a field, and killed a sheep. He was identified by the farmer, and someone official came to our house and took him away to be shot.
I wish they had just told me he’d been run over.
Hey, do you remember the dog?
Everyone with a live dog, raise your hand!
Sally, put your hand down.
“If you got a dog and you know it clap your hands!
No so fast sally.
Give the gift of never having to wonder what to talk about in therapy.
Death is part of life.
Grief and sadness too. There’s no reason to keep these from small children.Just yesterday a 4yo told me about the death & burial of their grandfather. Yes, she cried. But she’s a very happy child.
Of course you help them process it. Books and stories can help.
My family never did the “live on a farm” thing. I thought that was just a TV trope. Don’t lie to kids about that stuff. They will experience death more often as they grow up, and it is on us as parents to help guide them through the grieving process and give them the coping skills they will need to handle loss.
I’d say the Scary Movie 3’s “everyone around you is dying” is better than what my parents did once our cat was old and put down. They lied that the neighbor had droven over him and he had suffered so they had taken the cat to the vet to be put down. I got to pet the dead cat before we all buried him in our garden. I held hatred towards the neighbor until I grew old enough to see through the lie…
So I’d say that the petting, goodbyes and burial was good. But the lie was unnecessary. You can be pretty damn honest with kids, they like it because they’re always lied to… I loved adults who were honest with me and I see kids like me when I’m honest to them.
