Social circle too small. Keeps shrinking instead of growing.

I haven’t taken a shit for days, so it’s more of a number two problem.

I want to code, but I don’t know what to make that I would actually use.

My own brain. My depression is getting bad again, but I’ll be restarting esketamine soon and I hope that’ll help like it did last time.

The second law of thermodynamics.

Life generally.

I feel like I’m watching the world burn down around me. So I guess I’d say pessimism.

Finances.

I don’t want to be rich. I don’t care about money all that much.

My definition of success has always been that if I can let a payday come and go without having to look at my bank accounts and shifting money around to make sure everything is taken care of, that’s all I want. I want to make enough that I don’t have to check my bank account before every bill comes out. I can be assured that the money that is needed will be there.

Had that for a while. No longer do. And it really really sucks.

benign prostatic hyperplaia. aside from having to get up to tinkle a few tablespoons every half hour or every time I stand up, without the meds I can’t go at all then bladder backs up and causes terrible kidney pain and does damage. on the meds I can empty the bladder but then it’s hard to hold it in plus it ruins orgasms, dry firing is just weird feeling and not satisfying. I’m only 50 and want to go until at least my 80s but decades to go looks intimidating. i can get the turp surgery but will never ejaculate again which makes me sad. i suppose peeing is more important.

Reality in general. Turns out bad guys win all the time, and there is no such thing as justice if noone in power gives a damn.

Physically: tummy :(
Mentally: gestures vaguely at the state of things
Emotionally: Loneliness
Temporally: Work is not over yet
Spiritually: Life feels meaningless without having somene to spend it with
Socially: I feel out of place where i live due to being surrounded by MAGA losers
Relationally: My friends secretly hate me
Financially: I cannae afford my hobbies
Intellectually: I can feel my cognition slowly fading
Creatively: The stresses of life leave little room for creative expression

having some tooth sensitivity and dull pain since late FEB, but dont have dental insurance, because i had to voluntarily go off it from state subsidized healthcare because i just make just enough not to be covered. had to buy ACA healthcare, dental insurance is non-existent and individual plans dont cover much if anything, complicated by the fact that some dentist will not accept certain dental plans because of low reimbursements, or very long waits to get reimbursed. i had to see a emergency dentists, luckily in my area but it was several hundred for a limited exam and x ray and they want do a full exam and cleaning for more than twice that. currently looking for options(debating on going back to the old dentist i was with state healthcare who was so-so, and not great). cant really see an endontist until properly diagnosed needing a RC by a dentist.

Health issues. Which makes me worry about job loss and bills. So yeah

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Canadian Immigration medical job recruiters are proving to be very unreliable, and dare I say lazy. If they’re going to offer a fast track, they need to hire people who make it fast. It’s literally the last checkbox on the list. I could be in Canada by the end of the month! Ffs!