• 2 Posts
  • 34 Comments
Joined 5 days ago
Cake day: April 19th, 2026
  • LuminousLuddite@lemmy.worldtoNo Stupid Questions@lemmy.world•How do I become a sea boat worker
    0·
    3 days ago

    I’m 28. I’ve never had or been able to keep a real job, lost what few friends I had growing up and can’t make new ones having always been a little different and “off” to other people. I live in a cramped multi-generational house with my very dysfunctional family. Doordash, Uber Eats and donating plasma are the only ways I can make money, and my bank balance is always at or near zero despite only paying my phone bill, car insurance and a few other things but not rent. Every other menial minimum wage job I’ve ever had was either cut short by management despite my diligent efforts or due to bullying from coworkers. There’s something about me that attracts them like flies to shit, ever since I was a kid.

    My car is constantly breaking down before I can even save enough to pay for repairs. Since my car was in the transmission shop for 5 months (infuriating, I know) I only made around 6k last year. After all that, the transmission is acting up again and this hoodrat mechanic is playing dumb refusing to cover any warranty even though he never gave me a receipt. Oh well. Even still, I would rather suffer the indignity of being a literal gig slave driving a shitmobile than get bullied by stupid rednecks again for $10/hr.

    I tried to get my life together and become an x ray tech last fall, but after finishing one measly prerequisite baby tier difficulty class I took on four the next semester and had to drop everything because I was having a mental breakdown. Sorry mom and dad, I tried and failed AGAIN like I always fucking do at everything ever, oh well. Then I got billed $1,101 by the school, so I set it on top of the $6000+ pile of medical bills from mental health treatments years ago that did nothing. In retrospect, I only wanted to become an x ray tech for the money, I despise people and would never have made it through that program anyway.

    I don’t have and will never have the money to travel or move out. I can’t even afford a quick weekend getaway, never mind that there’s nowhere interesting that doesn’t require a plane ticket to get to from where I’m at and that I could be just as alone for free in my bedroom. I’ve never had a girlfriend and probably never will. I’m an extremely unlikeable person with no hope, no future, and no legacy. Every waking moment is agony, even when I’m smiling or laughing. I think about ending it all the time. All of the treatments and medications in the world haven’t helped. Ten years. I’ve tried everything. The one thing that remains constant is me. If I had been born as anyone else I would’ve been ok. I would’ve had a real life. But no, I just HAD to be born as me.

    I won’t even go into detail about the psych hospitalization and bipolar misdiagnosis after a weed induced psychosis and the horrific abuse I witnessed there. That experience destroyed any remaining faith I had in the goodness of humanity or the idea that we aren’t just these animated meat puppets that break down like malfunctioning machines, sometimes permanently. I really can’t imagine what kind of a sadistic god would create a world as absolutely horrific as this. Its weird to know that while I’m sitting here alone in the dark cackling like a maniac at the dumbest shitposts imaginable day after day after day to escape the pain and monotony of my never ending nightmare, there are people out there with objectively MUCH MUCH MUCH better lives than me who have the same urge to dip out.

    At least your problems are fixable by your own free will and not hardwired in or imposed on you by the crushing weight of a world that was designed for other people, not you, and which leaves no room for you live with dignity and in peace. At least you haven’t burned every bridge and destroyed every relationship and ruined your reputation beyond repair. At least you haven’t been mislabeled as severely mentally ill and a threat to others by a fucking kangaroo court and had your 2nd amendment right permanently stripped away (I’m American so this stings). At least you have a somewhat normally functioning brain and some level of respect from others and society in general. At least you have money and the ability to take a step back from survival to think about what you want in life. Be grateful that you even have a choice. You have no idea how good you have it.