I’m starting to believe against the idea. Movies, Shows and even Anime would have you believe that friendships still are friendships despite how long its been since the last time you hung with them. Real cases also support this. But then there’s other cases where it’s just not always the case.
I don’t like the idea of wasting time in that fashion, when it comes to friendships. There are things that happen to us to where it can’t help but to happen. Things like being in the military, getting involved in illegal activities, having terminal illnesses, being in prison/jail, being dead or similar scenarios. These are things that just happen in life and we have to come to accept that.
I lived with an ex-roommate who has told me that he has friends he considered friends, even if they haven’t talked in years. That concept is just weird to me and it always will be. How can you call yourselves friends when so much time has passed without so much of a peep? I’ve found from my experience that, things like this tends to make me feel a lot more lonelier and isolated.
I can’t help but think of all of the years that have gone by me, where nobody has asked me to play a game with them, nobody has had deep-welled discussions with me, nobody has arranged plans with me .etc And I’m supposed to accept this kind of practice?
And trying to compile all of the events when you do reconnect with someone, is just exhausting in of itself. Yeah, lets say you get back with someone after 10 years and all that they tell you after asking them as to what’s been going on, they respond with “Nothing much”. Nothing much? In 10 years, nothing much? I call bullshit.
I’m not trying to pitch the idea that people should contact eachother every second of every day. It’s bad enough we have people who believe that going no-contact in a week = friendship over and woe is me, I’ve been ghosted. I try being lenient to friends that I have. Just talk to me within the entire year. That’s it.
And if I still end up removing that friend, then it was probably evaluated based on whom outgrew the friendship more than whom.
I get people operate differently when it comes to friendships. But, I just can’t accept the practice of going so long without upkeep of friendship. That’s just simply pissing so much time away and pissing away any potential to make a friendship meaningful beyond surface level stuff or where the friendship was last meaningful, like in high school.
Yes. Sometimes a friendship cannot handle time but sometimes it can. Life can get busy, especially when you have a family and a job and volunteering.
Also, time compresses as you age. A week is a long time as a kid but a decade can go by in a blink of an eye when you’re older.
This reminds me, I need to set up a lunch with someone.
I’m a childless, perma-bachelor now at an age where most of my peers are married and have children. I see a majority of my friends only a couple times a year, but it’s still worth it.
it’s what you make of it.
some folks feel hurt and betrayed if you don’t text them every other hour. some don’t care if you don’t talk to them for years.
True friendship can live forever without being tended.
Maybe meditating on The Serenity Prayer can help.
Don’t ever shove religion to me.
The Serenity Prayer is actually really good advice, but somehow you’ve suggested it in the douchiest way possible.
Is it the word meditating? would the word contemplate or “think hard” seem less “deuchy”?
I ask because english is a second language. I didn’t know that it was offensive suggesting to think about: “The victorious man in the day of crisis is the man who has the serenity to accept what he cannot help and the courage to change what must be altered.”
English being your second language makes sense. Your comment had a very formal tone.
Combine that with assuming the poster knows what “The Serenity Prayer” is instead of just typing it out for them, and that the word meditate generally has a “spiritual guru” vibe, and all together it really sounded like “I’m so much more enlightened than the rest of you peons!”
The older you get the faster time flies and the more responsibilities you have.
Reconnecting can be a real treasure or a sad discovery that you have grown in different directions that no longer mesh in a way you want to continue.
I’m also noticing that in your post you only mention being reached out to, not reaching out. The phone works in both directions.
That’s because to document how many times I’ve reached out and been underwhelmed with the conversations in response, would blossom this response at least 20x my post length. And I really do not have the energy to do that.
I hadn’t talked to a once super close friend in 3 years and hadn’t seen him in 6 and he just died . Just got back from his funeral across the country. Lots of regret in not catching up more often. I didn’t know had life had fallen apart and he didn’t reach out either. Stay in touch but even if years go by still be friends
I don’t see the issue. I have a friend I hang out with once a year for a day and we don’t talk eachother a single word for the remaining time.
My sixty-something year old dad has one friend. They’ve lived like you and your friend since high school, sometimes missing a year or two. They may also call each other for birthdays (sometimes) but I think I’ve seen Uncle Todd twice in my life.
100% cope for people who only care about who they are having sex with, the results of that sex (their children), and people who can advance their careers.
These are hollow people for whom friendship has zero value except as entertainment while you are conveniently located.
They are also the vast majority of the public.
What a horrible thing to say.
Time has no bearing on friendship for me, we can have gaps for years and still pick up where we left off. There are only a couple things that can kill a friendship for me.
Them directly saying they don’t want to be friends or don’t like hanging out with me. Happened once or maybe twice, and it was for the best.
I find out they are a terrible person. Lost a few to maga or internet manly man bullshit.
I try not to overthink friendships because people are complicated and the most important thing is getting together sometimes and being supportive of each other.
I can meet up with an old friend after years and years but pick up right where we left off.
Sure we aren’t as close as we were in highschool, when we would spend almost every weekend hanging out together, but we’re definitely still friends. They certainly aren’t strangers.
Growing up means having your friends move away, start families or go down different paths. You see people less often and plans are harder to arrange. But you still share fond memories of the time you spent together.
Same, I can catch a good friend I have not seen in 10 years and we pick up right as if it was 1 day. Same inside jokes and all.
Yep I’ve got several mates I can meet up with after a year or three and it’s like no time has passed.
Hell I recently bumped into someone at a wedding I’d not spoken to in about 15 years, we did acknowledge the gap in that instance, but now are chatting again pretty casually
On the flip side there are people that if I go a couple of months without seeing them it’s a bit awkward until the cadence is up again. Nothing really wrong with it, just some friendships differ from person to person at the end of the day, would be silly to expect uniformity
Absolutely this. I tried keeping in touch with people, but social media made that actually harder to maintain, then evolved into the shit pile it is. I jumped ship in 2015-2016 and went back to my core group of friends
My “friends” are the people I’d bend over backwards for whether they’d do the same or not (don’t need them to reciprocate), but I’m sure they’d do that for me if needed. With all of us having kids 1-10 years, and living up to an hour apart, and working different schedules, we still make efforts around breaks or holidays to hang out or visit-however brief.
My friends from high school and I always pick up right where we left off no matter how many years it’s been.
Other friends have come and gone for various reasons, but the best, oldest friends don’t care how long it’s been.
The Alchemists had an idea on this. In order to test if something is “real” you need to leave it someplace for an extended period of time. When you come back, if it’s still the same as when you left it, that means it’s “real”.
You ever have a friend, maybe a best friend, where you would hang out with a lot but there would occasionally be some long gaps between seeing each other, but when you get back together it feels like you never left? You could almost say your friendship is still the same as when you left it.
But to your point, you define what a “friend” is differently. To you, and “friend” is sometime you physically see a lot. So if someone doesn’t see you much, then you don’t consider them a friend. I just define what a “friend” is differently than you. I do not require constant physical contact to consider someone a friend.
I don’t have many friends. Most of the friends I have I see about once a year. Seems to work fine, not much happens anyway so its not like we spend 8 hours going through all the events. Its more like one major event and a few smaller ones, then its just shooting the shit.
But if I don’t see or hear from someone in ten years and they don’t respond to my contact attempts or respond in a way that makes me think they are not interested, then those are not my friends.
I don’t think “friends” works well as a binary yes/no. There are many different kinds of friends, Some people are like cacti and only need to be watered once a year. Other people are like… I’m not a gardener, but some other kind of plant that needs frequent watering. Some are weeds that will take over your entire home. This metaphor got away from me a little.
Personally, I follow a strategy of “when you have the energy, demonstrate the behavior you want to see.” So if you have the juice to handle an unsatisfying outcome, reach out to them like you’d want to be reached out to. Invite them to a party. Send them a funny meme. Whatever. They might flake. They might not respond. But you only do this when you can handle that disappointment. If someone’s been real flakey and you just can’t deal with it, you don’t have to go the extra mile for them.
Don’t forget the dude that’s like mint. You hung out once, and now you have a new massive extended friend circle against your will and your being dragged to events and parties.
It just works with a few select people for me. I’ve met up with a couple of ones after a decade of almost silence, maybe a DM here or there. But as soon as you get together again it immediately feels like the old times. But those are certainly the exceptions. Some people just change too drastically or in away that is no longer compatible.
Also, even with the people I click in that way, it’s still usually years in-between we see each other these days. People have kids or other projects now and live far away. But it’s great every time we finally manage to meet up again.
