Trying to get some input for someone else. Was thinking of upskilling, finding a group, developing a hobby, guided activities. Any ideas?
I haven’t completely figured it out. I was a very awkward and sheltered teenager twenty years ago for a lot of reasons I’d rather not go too much into. As a result there are very few people from my school, sixth-form and university days who I’m still in touch with.
It doesn’t help being on the autism spectrum and living in a somewhat dysfunctional household with elderly parents (moving is out of the question because my job prospects got nuked by AI and mass layoffs, and Britain is a country filled with greedy parasitic landlords and no properties to actually buy.)
What helped me come out of my shell was working in a call centre (where I had to start interacting with colleagues and customers) and more recently, karaoke. I’ve started going to pub karaoke nights quite often over the past two years and made some pretty good friends from it. It’s not something I’d recommend from everyone, because the pressure to drink is there.
I met my wife doing drunken karaoke. 25 years later, I sometimes still do it but she’s 10 years sober now.
I’ve gone up and down throughout my life, and these days I am quite an awkward individual in person.
However, what worked for me in my early 20s when I was probably at my most sociable was finding a hobby to interact with people in. Even something as simple as a monthly book group can work wonders on your social skills
From your perspective, is it easier to let them figure it out, or for me to try to participate also, then ease up when they find some momentum?
I think it has to depend on a person by person basis. For example, I have to be left for me to figure it out, if anyone else tries to get involved then I guarantee I will be burnt out after a day and then just give up for a while.
Others may benefit from the help and guidance, but not all of us unfortunately 😔
Yup. Im like you in that regard.
When you grow up, you will feel that not a lot of people care about what you think or look or do and it just over time gave me confidence to be not giving any fucks at all about what people think hahah
yea, same question- looking for answers lol
I used to get made fun of for being a goth kid through grade school, always got the short stick kinda deal. Nowadays I’m a circus performer with an international social group, and I get to do some really cool shit, so suck it everyone who made fun of me.
To answer your question, hobbies and interest groups. It’s gonna suck at first but you have to push through the discomfort. Cracking my egg also helped me a ton personally lol
Ya. I took that as ‘develop a talent, eventually people will notice’. Glad you found your thing. Tried the usual sports and pastimes. He gets duscouraged easily, but am trying to show him the grind is oart of the process of getting good, and that moat of us arent naturally talented. Its a long road ahead.
Get a job where you deal with the public.
You’ll get paid and you will learn quickly.
I took estrogen and everything worked itself out from there~
Seriously though, there were a few factors. It was a combinations of building up my confidence (that’s how estrogen helped, turns out when you stop hating your body and life, you get more confident) and actively constructing situations that allowed me to connect and build relationships with people. I started a book club as a not so subtle way to get people in a room and talking to me, I reached out to people to have them round for dinner, I put a lot of effort into being thoughtful and kind. Developing a variety of hobbies and interests means I have plenty to talk about and lots to fill my time when I’m not doing that - a creative hobby is especially great for that.
Thats great! Thanks for sharing. Trying to show him that skills are like tools - the more collect, the more you have, and the more likely it will be that suddenly it seems you have a tool for everything, and people either start thinking youre a genius, or start to take advantage of you. Difference is, having the tools means you can choose.
In my opinion, it’s not about trying to prove you’re a genius, the key is that confidence and passion is infectious - people want to be around interesting people who are interested in them. Being skilled and well-read, as well as having hobbies lets you engage competently in deep conversation and have interesting qualities you can connect over or other people can grab on to.
Turned alcoholic
Edit: not even kidding, shit fixed my awkwardness.
The reverse of that process sucks. I have trouble being in social situations that last longer than 30 minutes unless I’m actively engaged in something. I thought I was a very social person. Turns out I was just an alcoholic who overshares.
Yes well, i often just get bored of people. Maybe you too? Perhaps there are more jntresting ones out there
Dude, that is my hone town in a nutshell. Nothing to say until they get a few beer in. And I do feel that myself, I was never a heavy drinker or even an alcoholic, but when I am with people that are interesting, nice, friendly, but not someone “like me”, I have such an easier time talking to them and being part of the group when I’m a few drinks in. I hate it, it’s part of the reason why I am usually very careful around drugs: they fucking work too well.
In 10th grade, my best friend moved away and I realized I had very few friends left. I had spent middle school considering myself part of the “social outcast” group that didn’t really fit into any of the cliques. What I did was find the lunch table that other students I shared classes with and sat there listening to them talk. Sometimes all the seats were full and I sat at a different table, but eventually as I got to understand the people and dynamics at play I started chiming in a little more until eventually I was part of the friend group.
From there I felt more comfortable talking to more people, so I did until eventually in senior year there were folks saying hi to me while walking down the hall pretty frequently, I knew most people in my graduating class of 350 to some degree, and for some reason I was voted prom king.
I had the benefit of being in the same school district from grades 1-12 so I had had most of my life to that point to learn names, but my core advice remains the same. I became less awkward (or at least good enough at owning being awkward to not matter) by befriending new people, and I befriended new people by inserting myself into a friend group over time, and I did that by just being present and quiet until I felt comfortable enough to speak up more.
Unironically, season 1 of Dexter was a big help in jumpstarting it. Bringing baked goods is still my #1 strategy of getting on someone’s good side, especially at work haha
I’m still awkward.
Me too. Pretty sure I’ll even die awkwardly.
Same :(
Lol. We just get better at hiding it.
By becoming an awkward adult
I developed a secondary extrovert personality and used it in social occasions. Used it enough that it comes naturally now.
I copied a lot of behavior from other people, how to trigger the right dialogue tree, etc.
It takes a while to learn how to not give a fuck about what people think of you. But in a respectable way of course. If you stop giving a fuck you can just be yourself. Took me at least until I was 25 before I could really be myself. Looking at the people around me that age can definitely be much lower or even higher though. I still care about what some people in my life think about me, and I try to live up to their expectations because I love them.
Your idea of doing social activities is a pretty good idea too. Meeting all kinds of different people is a good way to get out of your shell and you’ll automatically care less about what they might think of you because if it doesn’t click with them that’s perfectly fine and you can just continue your journey.
I read some of the stoics and then did a shit tonne of therapy.
