I’ve lived my entire life with imposter syndrome. Any time I get remotely comfortable in a position I either get laid off or promoted. Being laid off confirms my fears. Being promoted makes me feel like I have to work even harder to hide my fundamental inability to execute my role. I have recently taken a higher position at a startup which is a whole new level of stress and responsibility.

I can step back objectively and see the respect others grant me. I can see how my humble talents contribute. But I never stop questioning if it’s even possible I am contributing enough value to justify my wage, and it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m one tiny mistake away from being fired.

This isn’t a battle thrust upon me or with dire consequences. But it’s the battle I am comfortable sharing.

11 years ago I got a new set of lungs and spent months in the ICU, so I’d say that. I’m still on anti rejection medication and will be forever but I take a lot fewer meds now than I did before transplant

Been dealing with depression and anxiety for a couple of decades, sort of successfully. Couple of years ago got told I had cancer, a week after that my girlfriend broke up with me after a 7 year relationship, couple of weeks after that I got told that the garage space I was renting for extremely cheap was sold and I had to find a new place. Found a new place, got surgery on the cancer, had a few months of recovery, went back to work, rent was now 4 times more, while I was doing the move and dealing with the cancer my customers found new places. I ended up with not enough customers, couldn’t pay the rent, had to close shop. Now I’m even more depressed, out of money and I have no idea what to do, how to get out of this hole. Most of the solutions I’ve come up with are on the darker side but as for now, I’m still being too stubborn to quit things. I have a feeling that I’ll reevaluate the situation when autumn arrives.

But hey, at least the cancer is gone.

life

My mom died last week, way too young, of cancer. Her cancer had been on and off for years but last Christmas it started again. She got worse and 3 weeks ago she got the news that there is no more treatment. About a week, maybe less she got so confused that we couldn’t talk anymore and a week later she died.

Now instead of mourning I have to manage her estate, organize the funeral and coordinate family. All while I constantly want to ask my mom for advice.

For me, it’s losing weight. Several times, I’ve burned 40-50 pounds, and can move much better, sweat less, sleep better, etc. Then I regain it, and have to climb the mountain again.

For decades I’d been battling PTSD. After at least 5 therapists and many medications, I’d say it’s under control.

I learned very late in life that I have ADHD, so I’m trying to balance that out. What stinks is that it affected my childhood and I had no idea, and there’s nothing I can do about it now.

I have inoperable brain cancer, so there’s that. Sometimes pretty inconvenient.

Sword Saint Isshin, the final boss of Sekiro. I beat him once years ago, but I’m replaying the game and boy is he tough.

My depression. And I’m mid 30s now and my parents are in the 60s. I do not look forward to what will inevitably happen…

Fortunately I got professional help and haven’t been majorly depressed in years. I didn’t do hard drugs or fell into alcoholism back then. On a different timeline with different group of acquaintances I can see myself dead OD. Or jumping. Or bled out. Instead a lot of money and debt accrued coping with material junk and parasocialism. I can’t deny the parasocialism is really the anchor that kept me long enough to get therapy and medication. Now I understand the dangers of it but still.

I am eternally grateful that my government has some semblance of functionality to at least have subsidized healthcare for mental healthcare (and a lot of other health issues).

Of course I’m not fully out of the woods. Nobody with depression truly does I think. It’s always there, bubbling. Now I’m always alert to how my friends, family are of signs of depression. But what worked for me doesn’t always will work for others, so on that aspect I struggle. But at the very least I will lend my attention and shoulders.

Alcohol addiction. I know the shit is a poison, but I can’t say no for longer than 2 weeks it seems.

A big fear of having children, while simultaneously knowing I want at least one child for sure. I know that there is never a correct time, but man, my job situation is shitty with no end in sight. A child brings the possibility that I might have to work minimum wage in the future, because academia might spit me out. The free market seems to auto-reject me since two years and unfortunately my qualification is kind of a nieche. I fear the dependance on others a child brings and the lingering disappointment in a lot of people. The friedships it will cost, because some are hardcore childfree or there is only so much time in a day. I fear the criticism it will bring and the sleepless nights. I fear all of this and more but still want it so bad it kind of tears me appart sometimes.

My mother died this year. It happens to everyone if you live long enough. It still sucked. She had MS since 18, died at 66. More than ten thousand days in the fire.

I am trying to come to terms with her disease and how I was not a great son. Could have, should have, would have. The three horseman of regret. I think most people have similar thoughts when a loved one passes, but it still hurts.

I have resolved to carry a picture of her to every mountain I hike up. Take her with me where she could not in her life. I wrote a letter of goodbyes to her and left it in mailbox peak. It still doesn’t feel enough.

I hate the person I was while she was alive. I was there, but not the person I should have been. The benefit of hindsight.

I miss being able to connect with people over books, films, and other long-format media. I think about how most of my friendships and relationships formed over that type of bonding, and it makes sense why I really have nothing in common with new people anymore. Nobody I meet the past 5+ years has any interest in these things.

Everyone is driven by social media and short form media. Even some of my oldfriends are crackheads for Instagram and Reddit still. Everyone just talks about whatever is trendy, rather than having their own distinct interests they’ve cultivated. The last time I met someone who seemed to have their own distinct interests was 2018.

I study languages, and I’ve noticed this also has drastically affected speech patterns, and to most people now I sound ‘funny’ because I talk in complex sentences and ask questions meanwhile they are all using short declarative. I was at a party a couple of weeks ago and I was just flummoxed by how people were interacting, and it makes sense to me why people feel lonely and disconnected… because nothing of substance can be exchanged this way. Not to mention the rapid topic switching that was going on. I tried to have a more involved conversation with one person but told me I was ‘too intense’ for asking them details about their job… a pretty normal conversation to have for me 10 years ago.

And I think… yeah 10 years ago I used to LOVE interacting with people. And now I HATE it. Probably because the interacts are so meaningless, short, and trite. And nobody can stay on topic for more than a handful of exchanges. In 2018 I could sit there and talk about a single author for an hour… now every conversation I have the topics barely last a few minutes before they are swapped out for another rapid set of trite commentary void of any substance or detail or genuine interest.

I’ve also noticed this between other people now more and more. At bars and such, people no longer talk or focus on each other, they are either on their phones, or kind of looking to the side and just making random quips at each other. People don’t look face to face and have a focused discussion…

I’m in an arranged marriage with an older widower, I’m 22 and he’s 61, and we’ve been married for 2 years. We’re in Saudi Arabia, if you’re wondering. I’m making the most of my situation: he’s progressive for a Saudi man and fully supports my academic and professional goals. Since he already has children, there’s no expectation for me to have any, so I’m free to live childfree.