Could be a one liner or a long drawn out thing I don’t care. I like all kinds of comedy.
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man.
I’ll share my favorite knock-knock joke.
You start it.
Fuck! That’s my favorite joke, too!
There are dozens of us. Dozens!
Knock knock
Who’s there?
From a disposable mouthwash cup in the 90s:
Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?
He had to sit in his own pew.
This Twonks two panel is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Anyone I show it to cracks up. He is a genius.
“I guess that means I’m hired?”
Never saw that until it showed up in my youtube feed a few days ago. Did the algorith suddenly turn good? I mean, I’ve been watching Tom Scott for ages… but said ages aren’t long enough for me to have ever seen him with long hair.
It’s a knock knock joke;but, you have to start it.
knock knock
Who’s there?
That’s it, that’s the joke…Just leave em hanging trying to figure out what to do next.
Who’s there
All of these jokes reminds me of the joke about jokes.
You see, back in the vaudeville days, social clubs were popular. Secret societies, fraternal orders, et cetera. So all these comedians got together and created the National Order of Comedians, Clowns and Jokesters. Every year they would have a national conference, and each member would get up on stage and tell a joke. See the comments here if you want to relive the experience.
As the years passed, since all the members were extremely professional and took humor seriously, and with the NOCCJ taking in new members, they decided to save time and just tell the punchlines. So a comedian would go on stage, say something like “wrecked him? Damn near killed him!” And everyone would chuckle, and then pass the mic to the next person.
Well more years passed and they got even more members, the NOCCJ was huge. So to save even more time, they made The List. All the jokes were on the list, and each joke got a number. So a comedian would get up on stage, say something like “57”, everyone would politely clap, and then pass the mic and keep going.
Last year though, something happened. I was, of course, there, sitting in the crowd, and things were going on as they have been for years. “34” clap clap. “876” clap clap. “358” clap clap. “277” clap clap.
Then someone, I couldn’t tell you who, got on stage and said “478”.
From the back, this old man starts laughing. He’s got tears streaming down his face, he’s roaring with laughter, falling out of his chair. He’s laughing so hard people are worried he’s going to have a heart attack! So we rush back to him to see if he’s all right.
We got to him and pull him off of the floor, and someone asks him “what’s going on? Are you ok??”
Panting, still crying from laughter and wheezing, he yells out… “I HAVEN’T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE!”
I’ve heard one like this before…
Two guys in a prison cell, one brand new.
His first night, he hears people shouting out numbers… “18!” then the whole cell block laughing. “37!” was the next intelligible response, followed by more uncontrollable laughter. “109!” and nobody could even respond. The night ended with people laughing until they wet their pants.
Next day, he asks his cell mate what the hell was going on, and cell mate says “hey, we all been here so long, we already know all the jokes, so instead of reciting them, we just call them out by number.”
That night, newbie listens in again. Each time, someone tells of a random sounding number, and each time, the entire cell block erupts in laughter.
Next day, newbie decides he’s going to give it a try. He waits for someone else to start… “24!” And people were chuckling, so he waited. “47!!!” and the cell block started rolling. So he decided it’s now or never, and he shouts out “73!” and the whole block goes silent.
Newbie felt super embarrassed, shut his mouth and went to bed for the night. The next morning he talked to his cell mate, asked him what happened… cell mate simply shrugged and said “i guess some people just don’t know how to tell a joke!”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Do you know what’s the most important thing when telling a joke timing.
I like this one when you request of them “Ask me what the most important part of comedy is” and then when they begrudgingly say “okay fine, what is the most–” you interrupt them with “TIMING” frantically like you are desperately trying not to miss the window.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye deer.What do you call a nose without a body?
No-body nose.
Pretty much anything to get a groan or chuckle out of my wife.
One time while cutting up an avocado I remarked that they need better prizes, because I always get the same one- a little wooden ball.
That was of course good for a groan, but it would not be the end of it. I tend to do most of our cooking, and since our kitchen is kind of small my wife is usually in the living room while I am and can’t really see what I’m doing
So now whenever I’m cutting up an avocado I let out a groan of disappointment. And since my wife is a loving, caring sort of person she always asks “what’s the matter?”
To which I reply with an exasperated “Another little wooden ball”
Going on 10 years, and she falls for in any time.
–
This isn’t one I think particularly much of, I wasn’t even particularly trying to be funny, but my wife got quite a chuckle out of it, so it ranks. I was doing dishes, while she was again in the other room, I think on the phone with her mother.
I go to grab a spoon to clean from the rather large pile in the sink, which set off a bit of a chain reaction of dishes and pots shifting around and making a bit of a racket.
I paused for moment, and just kind of commented out loud to myself “huh, so that was a load-bearing spoon”
And apparently something about that delivery made my wife crack up.
–
Another time I was dead tired and crashed early, and was apparently not very willing to share the blankets or pillows or something when my wife came to join me.
Being more asleep than awake, I mumbled that she could pry them from my cold dead hands WHen she tried to get me to give some bedding up for her use.
Unfortunately for me, my wife is one of those people who is always somehow cold, and so she just applied her icy hands to my body, causing me to exclaim “AAH, COLD DEAD HANDS!”
–
I once showed her a picture of a snake I saw when I was out for a hike. She asked me how big it was, I told her about 2 feet
Which I also told her is 2 more than most snakes have.
–
I pointed out some geese, and asked if she knows how geese fly in a V-formation, which of course she did. Then I asked if she knew why sometimes one side of the V was longer than the other, she did not
I informed her that it’s because that side has more geese.
Three peanuts were walking in a park.
Why did the old lady fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well.
Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies?
He was hung like this: Spread your arms out as if on a cross
A preacher tells his congregation that next Sunday he will be doing a sermon about the sin of lying. In preparation, he asks them to read Mark 17.
The next Sunday, he asks them to raise their hand if they read Mark 17. Everybody raises their hands.
The preacher says “that’s funny because there is no Mark 17, Mark only has 16 chapters. Now on to my sermon about the sin of lying”
That preacher is the prince of lies! /s
He tempted his flock into sinning.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn’t very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?
On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.
After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moshe, “He says to me, ‘You Jews have three days to leave.’ So I said: ‘One!’” Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews … we stay right here." “And then?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
Translated:
What’s the difference between a duck? Both legs are the same length, especially the left one.Can confirm it works just as “well” in the original language.
A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”
The genie says, “Check your pants.”
The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”
Genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”
