• HrabiaVulpes@lemmy.world
    0·
    12 days ago

    The greatest suffering in life, that anyone can experience no matter who they are, is unfulfilled expectations. Girl isn’t interested in you, Weather isn’t what you want. Boss didn’t give you a rise etc.

    According to Buddhism solution is to stop expecting things of others, of life, of reality. You can only control yourself, expect of yourself if you must.

    Perhaps a bit of an exotic philosophy, but I think it applies here nicely.

  • BudgetBandit@sh.itjust.works
    0·
    13 days ago

    Great, you’re nice. Congratz on doing the absolute bare minimum.

    Any hobbies she’s interested in as well? Or interesting hobbies in general? Any skill you have other than dislocating your shoulder, like changing the breaks on your car? Are you a Sub and want a Dom but she’s a Sub as well? Are you radiating any sexual energy? Heck some women find tax evasion as sexy as a sixpack.

  • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.worldEnglish
    0·
    13 days ago

    Pretty Guy: Does basically nothing and women fall all over him

    Nice Guy: Becomes a phrenologist in response

    Always worth remembering that the OG Incel was a woman blogging about how desperate she was to lose her virginity.

    • Tar_Alcaran@sh.itjust.works
      0·
      13 days ago

      Always worth remembering that the OG Incel was a woman blogging about how desperate she was to lose her virginity.

      That’s very unfair. She set up a forum, and by all accounts it was pretty decent. Mostly just people helping each other out, men and women.

      • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.worldEnglish
        0·
        13 days ago

        She set up a forum, and by all accounts it was pretty decent.

        No doubt. I’m not casting dispersion on her. But men screaming “Why won’t anyone fuck me?!” today, having trampled over a woman with the exact same complaint is deeply ironic.

        When you get under the hood of a lot of modern incel culture (particularly, but not exclusively, male incel culture) the underlying complaint tends isn’t inceldom nearly so much as it is that porn stars won’t fuck them (for free) and people with anime anatomy aren’t real.

        That’s so far afield of the original desire for romantic companionship that made up the seed of the community. And it is driven, in large part, by the commoditization of romance through the same Big Tech and digital marketing companies that promote porn and other unrealistic expectations of beauty.

  • FlihpFlorp@piefed.zipEnglish
    0·
    13 days ago

    I know I’m in the shitposting community but here’s story time for anyone who needs it (myself included probably and this may not be be super coherent as I’m still processing and getting over the breakup, or the incident as I like to call it, a year later )

    This is also a loose connection of the thoughts so there’s probably a coherent idea in here somewhere

    But when I entered college I was trying to make some friends as my highschool buddies moved outta state (we still communicate and game over discord) but there’s this one girl and the only reason we became friends is we shared the first year seminar and an English class.

    Fast forward a bit and she asks me out and I take about a half a week to ponder (foreshadowing what I would call a snails pace in our relationship but frankly that an insult to the speed of snails)

    And she’s definitely had her fair share of some traumatic relationships which with some other mental stuff she didn’t always want physical contact and sometimes she was… paranoid isn’t the right word, but I absolutely poured my heart into this relationship because after all these years I finally got a gf so I definitely had some rose tinted glasses on some her trauma responses such as calling my affection love dumping (she said it was a manipulation tactic used basically as “I’m sorry I’m sorry I love you so much” and she saw it as that)

    Anyways there’s so much more but all in all I’m happy it happened but in retrospect and only in retrospect I’m glad it’s over

    But I believe the right one is out there somewhere and it’s a matter of looking and finding someone who matches my weird

    • Garbagio@lemmy.zip
      0·
      13 days ago

      Onward and upward, friend. I’m trying to convince my friend of that now. I broke off a 9-year relationship where I had to be responsible for everything; it took me a month to meet someone better. My friend is still negotiating time out with his gf of 7 years because she was cheated on in highschool. She’s 29. I try to tell him, there’s a better world out there, but he’s gotta learn.

      • FlihpFlorp@piefed.zipEnglish
        0·
        13 days ago

        For sure

        And I kinda walked away and came back to this several times but like I said, my take away is I’m happy it happened cus I learned stuff about myself (need those hugs and snuggles) but also what I want in a partner: someone who can help me (she didn’t do it that often tho), play games with and be a goober, someone who respects my needs but also communicates theirs, mostly that’s in the context of getting physical where after two years I didn’t get to second base (unless you consider me putting my head on her lap and falling sleep, best shit ever)

        But am I sad I never got super physical beyond smooching and snuggles, yeah sorta, but at the same time I view sex and getting handsy as a physical way for you and your partner ti feel great, essentially share a moment together that’s good for all parties involved. But if she can break up with me a week before Valentine’s Day yeah she doesn’t meet the criteria then

        But back to your point 100%, the future Mrs. FlipFlop is out there and it’s just a matter of searching and trial and error and error probably. But for me I’m almsot outta college and I’ll probably turn it into a more active search

        • Garbagio@lemmy.zip
          0·
          13 days ago

          Bro I was scared. I’m almost 40; we broke up in the fall. I’m just now coming around to realizing I want kids. And I thought, idk. That I was too old. But I put myself out there, and no shit it literally took a month. My only advice: Never completely break a relationship, only scale it back to where it no longer hurts (only burn a bridge if that’s the line); Never settle for someone not fixing their issues; and never judge someone on what could be, only what was and is. Don’t get 9 years down the line praying for one day that never came.

    • 🍉 Albert 🍉@lemmy.world
      0·
      12 days ago

      been in an abusive relationship, she kept projecting by labeling my acts as abusive. Like when she was gaslighting me and I tried to hold on to reality, she would accuse me of gaslighting until I accepted her version of reality. it was hell, and a literal miracle that I survived that. be careful with relationships. Especially as men, as however little resources and help is for abuse women, we get much less than that.

  • lightnsfw@reddthat.com
    0·
    11 days ago

    Actual nice guy here. I get lots of chances. I just don’t act on most of them because I’m a fucking pussy.

    • Track_Shovel@slrpnk.netOPEnglish
      0·
      11 days ago

      A self-aware nice guy!

      Don’t be so hard on yourself. The negative self talk really doesn’t help. You know this already, but probably don’t know how to stop it.

      Some framing that might help: you are human. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Just because you’re not perfect doesn’t mean you are worthless. Your flaws are much smaller than you make them out to be, and flaws themselves are just areas you can improve in if you put your mind to it. You have a good mind, so use it to build yourself up and be the best version of yourself. No one else is watching you, really, apart from the guy looking back at you in the mirror.

      Sincerely, a recovered NiceGuy™

      • lightnsfw@reddthat.com
        0·
        11 days ago

        Oh I know. My point is the reason I’m single is because I don’t make a move on women who are or could be interested in me. It’s never been women’s fault I’m single.

  • yesman@lemmy.world
    0·
    13 days ago

    “freindzone” is a self-inflicted wound. Nobody can make you cower in the corner waiting for your “opportunity”. Nobody made you look at friendship with the opposite sex as something that must be suffered so as to be due a reward.

    • 🍉 Albert 🍉@lemmy.world
      0·
      12 days ago

      friendzone isn’t a thing. it’s either a friend or not. if it is a friendship that someone are maintaining with hopes of future sex, then it isn’t a real relationship, it’s a lie they are maintaining for their own delusions. manipulative and shitty.

    • chatokun@lemmy.dbzer0.com
      0·
      13 days ago

      In my case, self inflicted in a different way. I’ve had several people give ample hints but I kept the status quo until they moved on.