I’ve lost 3 men in my life to suicide, 1 very close and very recently. What resources can I engage with to help. Literally what can I do, outside of generic advice, what’s an action I can proactively take. Are suicide hotlines still a thing? Is being an operator on there possible and what qualifications are there.
I’ll have to be cautious about this advice, as I’m not a therapist, but: Ask for help with something. Any task they could be more qualified for, or that you need a second person, rely on them a bit. When they help you, thank them wholeheartedly, even with a gesture like a gift.
People like to feel that they’re needed and appreciated, that they have some worthiness in people’s eyes. But don’t fault yourself for lack of this action - it’s impossible for everyone to do this for everyone they know, and self-harmful minds do a lot to hide themselves.
Best of luck.
This was what kept my suicidal ideation just that. I was in a place of deep suffering but my dog needed me to wake up semi regularly. A buddy would need to talk about something now then. Somebody needed help moving. Even work, while also being part of problem gave me something to be a part of.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My favorite group is called The Trevor Project, which works to help prevent suicide amongst lgbtq+ youth. Here’s their volunteer page which includes information about how to become a counselor. And please, first and foremost take care of yourself.
Thank you. Idk if I’d be very good at helping that demographic though.
They are just people.
I agree completely. What I mean by that is I’m a cis 32 year old guy. Idk if they in large would want my help or if I would be able to adequately understand what’s needed. I guess that’s where training would come in.
I’d imagine there are cis 32-or-younger men calling at least some of the time. I’d also imagine that while some people might want someone who’s walked in their shoes and you might not be a good fit, I’d imagine some of the shoes you have walked in are not just “cis 32 year old man” shoes. If nothing else, you have walked in the shoes of “lost mulitple people in your life due to suicide”, which gives you a voice to help others contemplating it to hear what happens to those left behind.
Pretty great advice, thanks!
I’m sorry for your loss. That’s a heavy thing to deal with, and to go through it three times is pretty brutal.
Suicide hotlines are still a thing. Exactly how they work and how to contact them will vary depending on your region. They’re almost certainly in need of more operators, and while I’m sure they’ll give you some advice for helping people going through it, I’m not sure what kind of experience you need to work or volunteer with them (again, that will vary with region).
I will caution you that it’s an extremely difficult job. That’s not to dissuade you from going out to help people - but to help others you have to help yourself first so you need to be aware what kind of toll that work can have on people.
Regarding my own suicidality and with men in particular there comes a fear of vulnerability. Suicide is one of the heaviest, most personal things a person can go through. Oftentimes our culture, or upbringing, or gender norms prevent people from opening up emotionally. Suicide is taboo and the suicidal often struggle with feelings of guilt, and talking about it brings in a fear of rejection or ridicule.
The advice I can offer is to try and foster an environment where people can open up to you judgment-free. If you’re willing to be vulnerable around others that sets an example that they can be vulnerable around you. Hearing about suicide is also an upsetting thing, and if you have a history with several victims you might naturally be upset to hear someone is considering it a fourth time. If your feelings are explosive, try to rein them in - an outburst likely means they won’t open up to you again.
Because the fear of opening up is real, it might be difficult to recognize the warning signs. This isn’t a failure on your part, the victim is literally hiding it from everyone. Most people expect the suicidal to be depressed, but people will often socially mask their feelings by overcompensating with an appearance of happiness. However, if there is someone who you fear is considering suicide and is outwardly depressed, and then one day out of the blue they’re suddenly fine - that can be a signal they’ve decided to end their life which somewhat paradoxically brings about a feeling of peace. In either case, when somebody starts giving away treasured possessions (sentimental, expensive, or things they use every day), that’s a pretty clear warning.
I’d also advise you to check out some resources online. There are associations for suicide prevention and mental health in general that have some fantastic resources available to the general public. While not specifically what you asked for, here is a toolkit for people who have lost someone to suicide.
There is one more thing I’d like to add. It might be upsetting, but its intent is to give you peace of mind: you can’t help everyone. That’s not a cop-out or callousness either. In psychiatry there is a concept of resistance which implies a couple things.
First, a patient is likely to resist any psychiatric intervention - therapy is difficult, it can hurt you emotionally, and the patient’s disordered behaviour is often a coping mechanism that they’ve learned to deal with their life - even if they want to be fixed they might not want to lose their coping methods or lifestyle.
Second, a therapist is unable to help a patient that does not want to help themselves. You can try every trick in the book, but if they’re really not into it then there’s no way to help them. That’s not a personal failing on the therapist’s part. Now technically in the case of suicide you might be able to point to how a doctor can force someone into a hospital if they’re at imminent risk of suicide - but stripping someone of their autonomy and pumping them full of drugs until the danger passes is the exact kind of behaviour that would prevent someone from opening up again.
I am really sorry you’re going through it. Don’t beat yourself up, and try to remember them as they were before they got sick
Hey, I work for a mental health call center, we take several lines and one of them is the 988 line. Many places will actually take volunteers, and they’ll give you the training you need. If you want help looking for volunteer opportunities in your area, feel free to DM me and I can help locate those with you.
If you want other suggestions of how to help, I have many!
Messaged.
Suicide hotlines are very much still a thing, and you typically don’t need any kind of license or degree. I think many are volunteers.
There are also likely outreach programs in your area, if you search for them, and they frequently need volunteers. Helping people to access services is one of the more effective ways to prevent deaths, especially for high-risk populations like: addiction, lgbt, homeless.
If you’re looking to make a (paying) career change for this, there are also entry level jobs in behavioral health at inpatient and outpatient centers.
This is going to sound dark but it saved a few lives.
Embrace the truth that depression is trying to tell you and you are now free to do anything.
Punch a shark, go skydiving, enjoy those moments that you denied yourself and nothing remains to be afraid of because they are all safer than suicide.
Let go of who you thought you were; that is not you now and you need to become the self that you need to be.
Work toward a fair and equitable society.
“Outside of generic advice”
sorry.
Kinda surprised no one’s mentioned 988 yet. It’s relatively new but it’s absolutely a thing. I also happen to know the VA has a crisis line as well if anyone can use that. They promote it often.
In my experience there’s two types of suicidal people. One is the person who talks about it frequently, sometimes jokingly, sometimes not, and that person is easy. They’re asking for help and for someone to intervene. They want to be stopped.
The second one is the one we should worry about. They’re dead set on taking their own life and will make sure they can’t be stopped. They’ll make a plan quietly, secretly. They’ll carry out the plan when no one is around. They may even look okay, because often a person who has made the final decision to do it will appear calm and happy. If you suspect such a thing, the only thing you can truly do is make sure they never get the opportunity. Make sure they’re never alone. Keep them talking. Watch their mood. Tell others in their circle to do the same.
Which brings me to another point: Call in the cavalry. You don’t have to fight someone’s suicidal ideation by yourself. Get their friends and family around them to move them towards professional help, because it’s a group effort.
As far as real, actionable advise, that’s really the best I can offer.
Well, 988 is presumably a national offering, since these short numbers don’t route internationally…
I wish I had sage advice for you. I lost my first born to suicide 13 years ago this month, and my best friend 3 years ago.
My son was in therapy, among other things to help. I kept telling them he needed to be in inpatient psychiatric care, with constant suicide watch. They disagreed.
My best friend was in a depression spiral, stemming from a work related back injury.
I was actively trying to help both. I realize now, I am not properly equipped to help alone.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
If there’s someone in your life that you feel is slipping into that trap, show them that you care. And I don’t mean tell them that you care, show them. When I was in that pit words were utterly meaningless. People say kind things all the time that they don’t actually mean. But when my mom showed up to my door at 2 am, worried because I didn’t return her texts that day, I felt that. I felt that through the numbness of depression and SSRIs.
Ultimately though, as the other poster said, it was up to me whether I kept going or not. The thing that helped me was going out to get breakfast alone on Saturday morning. Feeling the sun on my skin, watching the birds, and eating a good meal eventually helped me come around. That, and getting away from the situation and people that caused the depression in the first place.
Feel for ya bro. I lost someone very close too. Truth is its not always easy to tell if someone is close to the edge.
Encourage talking about problems/feelings.
If someone tells you they are suicidal, get them to seek medical help. Hound them until they have spoken to a doctor.
Remember that they are responsible for their own wellbeing. You cannot control what they do. Ultimately that’s on them.
Father and uncle both committed suicide. Short answer: fix society and the US healthcare system. Longer answer: culturally men have been ostracized and marginalized in Hollywood and social media for decades and the actual practice of psychiatry is decades behind the study of depression and mental illness. Talk therapy and medications with fractional response rates are still the gold standard and neither address the underlying root causes. Standard pharmaceutical treatments in addition to having incredibly low effective rates also come with a deluge of side-effects and diminishing returns over time. Talk therapy doesn’t actually address societal, economic, or familial pressures and without the time or mental space to practice coping methods, is largely useless.
TL;DR treat men like valued parts of society and family, and in the same spirit of equality, equally divide the fiduciary and family responsibilities between all adults. The modern father and husband averages well within reason 50% of all familial contributions while still being treated as a burden on partners.
There are still appropriate crisis hotlines all over the world.
I’m sorry for your loss. I read somewhere in reddit in the past that the book “Suicide: The forever decision” helped them.
I didn’t read that book to personally vouch for it but kept it in mind because the comment seemed genuine.
I wouldn’t be too afraid that your background or identity would alienate someone. Like you said, your program will provide training, and your willingness to help people is what really matters.
As i understand it, the trevor project is specifically designed to help reach people that our current society is failing to reach, the government is against them, etc. which is motivating for many volunteers.
There is nothing wrong with helping a more general audience thought. Any help is good.
One caution, I have heard personally that friends of friends who have gone this route professionally have gotten jaded and burnt out. I don’t want this for anyone, especially you, given your background. So my advice is, schedule some time off whether you think you’ll need it or not, in advance. And any place you talk to, ask what systems they have in place to detect and prevent empathy fatigue and burn out. I don’t know if i would trust any place that didn’t have a well thought out answer.
