i only feel sexual attraction towards my partners, and they have to be sexual first. if they’re not sexual people, i only feel romance to them and no sexual feelings. i frankly don’t wanna bang anyone and have never felt like actually doing so until i met my partner, and even then, it’s more out of curiosity and romantic sparks than anything else (i’m super romantic so i’m not aromantic).
i only feel sexual feelings under certain circumstances, and even then, i use it to make myself happy and not really wanting to have sex with someone.
i am sure i feel sexual attraction, like probably towards my partner, but i’d say less so than most people do, perhaps???
i’m demisexual for now which is on the ace spectrum.
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Right off the bat - Demisexual.
otherwise known as a normal person.
the vast a majority of folks only have sex in relationships. despite what popular media tells you.
The difference is that many people feel sexual attraction towards potentially anyone whereas demisexuals only potentially feel sexual attraction to people they’ve already formed a close bond with. It’s not about actually having sex with people, it’s about the sexual attraction or lack thereof
I’m ace and I was always confused about why people panic around hot people. I get panicking around someone new, but their hotness never plays into it. It was only until I learned about asexuality and learned that most people have a physical reaction to people they find physically/sexually attractive (whether that be increased heart rate, arousal, etc.) I’ve simply never experienced that. Demisexuals are similar in that they don’t deal with that for strangers but if they have a strong emotional connection with someone then they may start to feel sexual attraction
no they don’t. where are you getting this stuff from?
most people are not attracted to most people. most normal people are only attracted to a handful of people.
and i’m not talking about sexual fantasizing here, i’m talking real world attraction.
I didn’t say they’re attracted to most people they meet, I said that they potentially could feel sexual attraction. As in, it’s not unusual for them to feel sexual attraction towards a complete stranger
anyone can be potentially attracted to anyone in the right circumstances…
Don’t worry about labeling yourself or otherwise over-complicating things. It’s not what defines you.
Asexuality isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a method of self identification.
If you feel like you identify as ace then you are.
You can be a valid Apache Attack Helicopter if you want to be. Nobody else gets to decide whether that’s valid except you. You might confuse or even mislead some people, you’ll have to be prepared for that, but before you consider whether it even matters that some people get confused or misled, you should consider why it’s any of their business in the first place, because it probably isn’t. If it is, then by all means, check whether it’s valid with them, not us.
the people you are in relationships get to decide what is valid to.
but if you never engage in relationships, yeah you can be an attack helicopter. but if you do feel that way, don’t be surprised that nobody else wants to interact with you.
I don’t see any reason you can’t be anything you want to be.
Sexualities are only useful as options on the dating app.
Whether you describe yourself as “asexual” or “demisexual” (or "straight’ or “gay”) only matters when you’re looking for a new partner and need to choose how much “what do you mean by that” you want to put up with.
Just ignore the labels. They’re one-size-fits-all ideas made up by strangers at some point, so you’ll never be able to properly wear any of them. They’re ultimately pointless things anyway.
Labels help organize descriptions. They’re not always one-size-fits-all concepts. They’re only treated that way because people are fucking stupid in general.
It is as easy to figure out who you are by: Looking up more than one source on a label. Studying yourself and your experiences and then seeing if that aligns with said label. Stick with it, but stick with it by YOUR findings, stop contrasting and comparing with OTHER people’s findings because they probably don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about and only want to feel special.
If we had no labels, then there’s already people running around probably believing that they can be completely bisexual and only, strictly being attracted to one sex that they believe is slightly a fourth gender somewhere. Because again, people are fucking stupid.
You are 100% valid.
Asexuality is a massive spectrum, not a narrow box. Most of us see Ace as a big tent that covers anyone who experiences attraction differently, rarely, or only under specific conditions. It isn’t an all or nothing thing.
What you described, needing a romantic bond first, is the core of demisexuality. And that bit about only feeling it if your partner is “sexual first”? That’s actually a specific thing called reciprosexuality. Both are widely recognized and respected parts of the Ace community.
One thing that helps a lot of people is separating attraction from action. You can participate in sex for curiosity or romantic intimacy and still be asexual. It’s about that internal pull (or lack of it), not the act itself.
Labels are just tools to help you navigate your own life and find your people. They are not cages you have to fit into perfectly. If calling yourself Ace or Demi feels right to you now, then it is yours to use.
You can call yourself whatever you want.
There’s no sexuality police (yet).Sometimes labels help. Sometimes they don’t.
Also, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are could help!
I mean, I’m a pet to a very sweet Master, who is ace, who is dating a boyfriend who is also ace. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone else say they have an asexual master/mistress/dominant, yet here we are. We play super rarely, but I still get off thinking about what he can do, what I’ve told him is ‘safe’, so when we are together he could just pin me down… he just usually doesn’t take the opportunity. I’m also insatiable, but I’m also demi, so I need to know someone first (decent conversation, personal details, chatting at length…), or they are involved somehow with us, in order to start to be attracted to them (‘pet, this is my friend I was telling you about…’ for example) before I start to think about banging them. If/once I hit that point though, the train ain’t stopping.
Labels can be useful for establishing a baseline, but you don’t need to confine yourself to a rigid ‘standard’. And just because you don’t feel like you conform to what is expected, doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong or aren’t ‘valid’. Nah, anyone who says stuff like that isn’t worth your time.
There might be a more accurate sublabel for your exact position, but so long as the label is serving well enough in it’s purpose as a communication tool and it isn’t getting in your way in other ways, then there’s no reason to fret about it.
I was gonna just say “yeah, that’s textbook demisexual” but at the end I see you realized that already.
Not sure why you feel possibly invalid when it sounds like (based on this post alone) that you are the actual dictionary example.
I’m still kinda figuring it out, but I’m thinking I’m double demi for now (not sure if there’s another word for it).
For me I am far from completely nonsexual (basically allos’ only version of defining “asexual”), but it would only be important at all in a solid relationship (if I could even get that being demiro).
I just don’t feel an urge to go out and “get some”, but if someone I felt familiar and safe with just landed in my lap naked, then something has a decent chance of happening.
I consider that valid asexuality. It might be kinda “dictionary”-like too, but you don’t see a lot mentioned of people having the green and purple stripe (demiro/demisexual). Or at least I don’t.
Labels are meant to help you navigate and exist in the world. If it’s achieving that, it’s the right label!
No, they can be useful for helping a person find their identity but first and foremost they’re descriptors. You shouldn’t be claiming to people that you’re blue eyed if you don’t have blue eyes even if you’ve lived your whole life thinking you did until just recently after looking in the mirror for the first time.
Let’s use your example.
“You shouldn’t claim you have blue eyes”
Why not? Who’s it hurting? I wouldn’t correct someone if they said they had blue eyes. I’d just roll with it.
You stupid motherfucker bro
I guess I just won the argument then lol if you’re best rebuttals is calling me stupid I just have really destroyed your argument lol
I’ve been destroyed with facts and logic, I kneel
It doesn’t sound like calling yourself blue eyed in that circumstance would help you exist in and navigate the world…
Only if you consider lying to yourself and others helpful for navigating the world
That’s why sexuality labels and identity labels are best when they’re self chosen. People get to decide for themselves what helps and what fits. And part of that whole process is dealing with other people offering their opinions, whether you asked for them or not. That stuff impacts the labels people choose and/or the labels people choose to share.
Right but self choosing a label doesn’t mean that you define what that label means or if it applies to you. Telling someone the label they have chosen is applicable if they personally think it is appropriate is stupid when they’ve asked specifics about what exactly a label means and how it might apply in the context of their life.
As much as you may think otherwise, sexuality and identity labels aren’t objective. They are subjective and self applied, because it doesn’t matter what label you pick, or how clear cut you think it is, there is someone, somewhere, who uses it differently. There is no single “truth” when it comes to these things.
So yeah, picking a label that helps you navigate the world is the smart choice. Because if you’re trying to pick a label based on some objectively true definition, you’ll fail before you begin, because there is no such thing in this context
If the labels are subjective, how can my interpretation that you’re using them wrong be wrong?
That’s what people do all the time and why the meaning of labels change over time.
Instead of immediately jumping to conclusions when you hear of a label, the proper reaction should be to just ask for more information and get to know the person more.
That’s the difference between using labels as a tool, or as a discriminator.
Most labels aren’t as simple as physical descriptors.
I didn’t say physical I only used it as my example
And your example didn’t fit this situation, because it’s a purely physical descriptor.
Okay? You shouldn’t call yourself gay if you’re not. Happy now?
How happy can they be if not gay? It literally means happy
Trueee
Many people have responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. That’s even a common friction point in relationships.
that’s interesting, where is that distinction from?
