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That’s what families do, amirite?
Wait, what? Unless that’s an allegory for AI or something, that actually sounds pretty nice.
Maybe she’s the only one with a window and is sick of everyone intruding to see?
Just repeat whatever an AI says, no matter how absurd. Bonus points for reading it in a robotic voice.
This also gets you your compliance points for using AI in everything.
It’s the forced small talk that the OP has an issue with, not the actual view.
I thought it’s some very lame attempt at making it so a RTO mandate is “here to stay,” by memeing about the fucking office view.
Maybe I’m too deliberately obtuse, but I would make so much fun out of this, taking it as an opportunity to research useless river facts. Like “did you know this river starts at X/was named after Y?”, specific facts about its wildlife, etc. Just pretend I’m intensely interested in the river beyond its utility for small talk until it goes from something everyone is sick of into a running gag (that everyone is slightly less sick of).
Which I guess ironically feeds into what the boss wants, but at least it’s not painful.
Find a local river monitoring org and see if you can get the nombers for oxygen saturation, PH and pollution information. Odds are they aren’t great.
This person Jim Halperts.
Ok, now do that at least twice a week forever.
Joke’s on you: they won’t keep the job forever 😉
You only need to research 104 facts, then boilerplate the intro and closing and copy/paste for the messages, then you setup a scheduled task to send 2 messages - Monday and Thursday - in order (not random, since you don’t want to send the same thing twice or too close). In an office of 50 people there’s no way they’ll remember the 4 facts that you sent last year at the last week of April. But here’s the fun part, if they keep it up for a year+, you start seeing return on your investment. If not, you don’t change the scheduled task, and they slowly go mad with river facts until they leave the company and/or die. Either way, you win.
I think that’s the takeaway… well assuming “yearning for the mines” isn’t being used sarcastically.
I’m way overthinking this. To me, it sounds like someone proposed to move to a cheaper location. Some other manager asked for this to “prove” this improves morale and the river view office should be kept Who knows
First thing monday morning.
Looks at river, “If I was in that river Id be so wet right now.”
Boss starts looking worried.
“I bet if that river splashed me in the face we’d need two towels to clean it all up!”
Then I dont need to comment on it again until next monday.
“Boy, that river is moving pretty fast. I bet if I fell in you wouldn’t be able to find my body for weeks…”
From: jrandom@company.tld
To: everyone@company.tld
Subject: River observations 2026-04-27Everyone,
I would like to point out that the river showers to be wet. I world also like to observe that I saw at least three (3) separate ducks on the river so far.
We will revisit this topic next Monday as per company guidelines.
J. Random
Widget Testing Dept.Clearly, this needs to be a meeting with 20 people. We need to get consensus on the number and color of ducks, and what to do about them. Plus there’s the more elementary question of whether water can be wet.
It needs to be 2 hours. The only slot that everyone has free is during lunch, so I booked that.
Boss starts looking worried.
…because he thinks you’ve discovered his fetish.
The boss brought up the big wet thing in the first place!
next week…
I just want to go down and slowly insert two of my fingers into that river and feel how wet it it! Then id pull them out and watch it slowly run down my arm.
I bet it smells like fish…
ok im good until next week!
Keep going. This is doing something for me.
Bros gooning to river smut
Three… Three towels?
Four towels is a bit excessive don’t you think?
well shit… my top comment is going to be about fucking a river now I guess…
I would love to work there
Plot twist. Boss is actually the river and just wants to hear nice things about it.
Sounds like an anime plot to me! “Old Man River: How I Discovered My Boss is an 8000-Year Old River God”
Not enough words, gotta double that. Also wouldn’t hurt if it was an Isikai, somehow tied in game elements, had a harem of some sort but he was too oblivious to realize, and the fan service episode needs to be on a beach at the river.
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He’s an 8000 year-old river god but he looks like this:
Probably.
Maybe he doesn’t remember that he’s a river?
Sounds like the boss is infatuated with the river and wants to be able to talk about it.
And goes about it the entirely wrong way.
I would like to know where this river is so I can sail a barge made out of empty plastic containers down it while wearing a Gandalf costume and let everyone hit their 2 things quota in 15 minutes.
As long as I can mark it as Exceeded Expectations on my performance review if I do it well, I can live with it.
Anything to keep you from talking about how management treats you or how much you’re all getting paid for the same work.
I worked at a company where we all got paid very well but they still did the bullshit company “team-building.” I never participated on purpose. If I was forced to be present, I did everything I could to make it clear I didn’t want to be there. I was considered a grouch and I fuckin’ was, because unlike the suits that thought this dumb shit up, I had actual important work to do and a gun to my head in the form of a hard deadline.
How about your boss brings in a puppy and everybody who likes puppies has to play with it twice a day?
A friend told me that as part of a “team bonding exercise” they were asked to sing one of their favorite songs with the lyrics re-worded about their job or company and I am so thankful that this bullshit hasn’t spread to my country yet.
Just sing Gwar - Sick of You, unchanged
🎵 I know a task that gets on everybody’s nerves…🎵
🎵Why does this meeting never end🎵
🎵it just goes on and on my friend🎵
🎵Some C-suite level jokers heard that number must go up🎵
🎵This could have been an email but we’ll forever ever wonder…🎵
🎵I suffer, but why?🎵 - Napalm Death
- changed lyric to meet the assignment
- reflects feelings about the task
- ends your turn as soon as possible so that the next poor soul gets to participate in this corporate hazing ritual
Team bonding exercises can be great though, e.g. going go-carting on company time or having a walk.
Enables you to be more kind to colleagues.
There are so many songs from the labor movement that can easily be modified for the modern office environment, I’m sure your boss will love it.
🎵 You write 16 reports and what do you get
🎵 Another day older and deeper in debtor
🎵 My dad was an accountant and I’m an accountants son
🎵 And I’ll stick with the union till every battle 's won…
If they try to take away working from home, I will become a bin man
Oh they tryin’…
I’m lucky to work for a fairly small firm that fully supports my choice to be a hermit, but yeah that commercial real estate ain’t gonna finance itself.
How… How often do you think binmen work from home?
Every day at least once
Have you seen my desk?
In the mines they make everyone stand in a circle every morning and take turns each day giving stretches for us all to do
I would rather say look at all them chickens
Wait, you have to think of stretches? Damn. That’s cold. If you think of a bad stretch, everyone can blame you. I’d totally invent a stretch-picking device, to divert blame to the gnomes.
If you pick a bad stretch they do.
A good one is active stretches like high knees or deep equates etc since a lot of the machine operator’s are very over weight and complain about it being to hard.
As a mechanic and 90 percent of the machine faults are operators doing dumb shit its my way of getting back at them
Heh. Us fat bastards need the help, give us the pain
Mandatory Fun Conversation
Damn, I bet that river has more liquid assets than I do.
#firstworldproblems
Lol really… I wonder what this person’s workload is… It seems like the boss was just making light of the concept of quarterly goals, but maybe I misinterpreted it
