I will confirm that I did it by posting “I did it” here. This will negate any need for any type of photographic or other tangible evidence because I’m an honest person and you’re horrible for suggesting otherwise.
Edit: Bunch of damn pyros in this thread.
pack it as tightly as possible, and put it in a stage-box (think musicians, drum set, etc). Go to random hotel check into room with your “instruments” for your “gig” tomorow. switch mattress before leaving next moring.
Fire, and lots of it!
Stick it in the front yard with a sign that says
Free soiled mattress!
Whomever takes it is now your bff
No sign required, you have a big canvas already. Just need some spray paint.
Put it out the front of your house with a sign saying 'Free mattress to fuck on, so long as I can film you doing it".
Recreate that scene from the first triple x where he fly’s off the bridge but instead of a car use the mattress
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Eat it.
…and we’re done here
g’luck op. Remember, one bite at a time
That’ll take too long. Eat it five bites at a time.
Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don’t waste money on too much string.
Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.
fuck I actually did this once. I didn’t tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress
It generally helps if you tie it on
Tie one on? I don’t think that mixes with driving…
fuck it, I’m leaving it
See. It works.
Light it on fire while it’s still in your room. No need to move anything!
Just stack the new mattress on top of the old one. Problem solved.
The bed just keeps getting comfier and comfier over time.
Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you’re done.
Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.
You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.
I plead the 5th.
And I’ll be disappointed if you don’t do it.
Mail it to the Whitehouse collect.
Collect?
I was at a party once where they burned a mattress, actually it wasn’t really a party, just a meth heads house at night time. So you could do that.
Actually it wasn’t really night time either, was it?
Everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough.
Dildos are supposed to be reusable, you know, not just dissappear. Sounds like someone needs to have a big clear-out.
That’s on Thursdays at the community center.
Fire cleanses all.
Best if done in the living room so your house gets all the smokey goodness.
