You know the one. The dumb joke you chuckled at that now just comes out unbidden at random times.
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A student turned in his test with a $100 stapled to it, with a note “$100 = 100 points = A.” He got the test back with $50 stapled to it and a note “$50 = 50 points = F”
Everytime I hear that it’s been ten years since X, I hear Jeremy Piven in Grosse Pointe Blank.
You’re excited? FEEL THESE NIPPLES
When you’re right, you’re right, and when you’re right…you’re right
Sounds like John Candy.
And you? You’re right!
From the greatest sports parody movie ever made, BASEketball (1998):
Squeak: I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times I’m outta here!
“Penalty!” “Oh come on, that wasn’t a gay joke, it was an Australian joke!”
“I guess that’s why she didn’t move around too much.”
What do you call a bra stretched across a doorway?
Tap for punchline
A booby trap.
“I always wanted a briefcase that attached to my wrist with handcuffs. Alright.” - A “joke” from Mitch Hedberg.
An escalator is never broken. It just becomes stairs.
Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
"I used to do drugs…
I still do, but I used to too"
“You can’t please all of the people all of the time, and last night, those people were at my show”
Anyone: “guess what”
Me: “chicken butt”
The chicken crossed the road for butt.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered six-offender
I’m just imagining Kiwis not getting it
Why is 12 afraid of 10?
Because 10 was in the middle of 9/11!
How the turn tables.
-micheal scott
“What killed the dinosaurs?
THE ICE AGE!”
Now the ICE age is rounding up and killing immigrants!
Mine is: “Ah ha, ah ha, the letter two my friend.” (SNL celebrity jeopardy)
No I’m… doesn’t
Many years ago I hung out with an old man that when asked him what he thought about a subject and he had no real input he would answer “I think a sack of flour would make a big biscuit!”
That will stay in my head forever.
I love old man non sequiturs. My dad’s response to a toddler asking him why over and over again is “because I’m building a bicycle made of bananas,” which tends to produce a perfect koan moment and break the question cycle
And the toddler was immediately enlightened.
I feel enlightened having learned a new word, koan, today!
“Here’s a guy who when he puts on his glasses he can see better!”
I know that’s a John Madden impression, but who was the impressionist? Was that Frank Caliendo?
Brian Regan I believe.
I was remembering Frank Caliendo saying it, but apparently it’s a real quote from Madden:
Nope you’re right, it was Frank. I looked it up. I got my comics mixed up lol.
